I, John Edwards, solemnly swear …

Since we are not going to have a Republican president in the White House for at least eight years come November 2008, for obvious reasons, we ought to treat the Democratic primary as the presidential primary, because whoever wins the Democrats ticket will be the next U.S. president. And I believe John Edwards will be that ticket winner.

Having said that, there is only one way in which a Republican can win the presidential elections. And that’s if Hillary Clinton wins the Democrat ticket, which is unlikely to happen – because she is a woman, and America is not quite ready for a woman president. And because it’s the first time a woman gets this far in a presidential election, she will be more scrutinized, and any mistakes she makes during her run for the White House will be more magnified than if committed by her male counterparts, hence more damaging. All of these factors and more will make Hillary a not-so-hard-to-beat opponent. She can be, though, a good choice for vice president!

This is why you keep hearing the Republican candidates, along with the right-wing dominated media, pushing the public mood to believe that Hillary is eventually going to win the Democratic primary. They are trying to help the un-winnable Hillary win the Democrat ticket so that they don’t have to fight as hard, as Mr. Bush has used up all their ammunition in the last seven years. They’d rather compete against Hillary than against someone like John Edwards.

What about Mr. Obama? Well, I believe he will never win anything beyond his Senate seat; too bad he is a good man! But in today’s American politics, which still hold a lot of prejudice towards minorities, Obama has got serious odds running against him. It simply is not a good time to be running for president while black and with a Muslim last name.

So let’s start learning about our next president, John Edwards.

-Tawfik Maudah
UA alumnus

The Kingdom of UA

I am writing to praise the rulers of Tucson and the university for their commendable job of making the UA a bastion of above-average scholarship that will last throughout the ages. To the East and West, miles lay between UA and its rivals. To the South, the weak Mexican schools are weak and overshadowed. To the North, the laughable ASU provides a modest challenge at best.

To keep out the unworthy scholars from other states and protect the mighty Arizonans from competition, a 15 percent increase on an already sizeable tuition for a school of decreasing quality has also accomplished wonders. If that does not suffice, word of the inability to register for classes would, perchance, have traveled to those faraway lands that give Arizona much of its water and many of its productive residents.

Within its parapets, culture and intellectualism flourish as students pay absurd prices for fast-food and staple products such as milk provided by the nearby Shamrock Farms. Perhaps this is a result of the dismantled trade roads supplying Tucson with the goods of the First World. Moreover, the tranquility of the campus is unrivalled, as the Student Code of Conduct and the establishment of the overgardened tract as a weapon-free zone has eliminated all weaponry, violence and crime from its midst. Safety, it appears, is the first of many priorities.

Defended by the University of Arizona Police Department garrisons and protected by trenches filled with traffic, the UA is truly a marvel of a fortification. Today, however, the UA outshines even the mighty castles of the Ivy Alliance in the East, for a mighty moat has surrounded the stronghold and prevented the dubious serfs of the surrounding townships from encroaching upon the beautiful dames of the Greek sisterhoods and the overcrowded urbanite squires known as freshmen. Astoundingly, I managed to cross the Euclid channel to travel to my adobe abode without drowning as did Barbarossa. May the blessings of God be upon Lord Shelton.

-Daniel Greenberg
political science junior