Super Cool News is a Daily Wildcat feature that shares the, yes, coolest news happening around town and around the country. Try not to take what its writers have to say too literally.
Who cares if NASA just sent a satellite to orbit Jupiter, or that Elon Musk wants to colonize Mars in less than 10 years? It’s 2016, and the future is now because Pokémon are real.
The fever dream of every inner child arrived last week with Pokémon Go, an augmented reality app in which the power of GPS allows live Pokémon to inhabit our planet. I repeat, this is not a drill — Pokémon are out there, and it’s time to go catch ‘em all, in real life.
Before you abandon all responsibility for the sake of this game, take a deep breath and immerse yourself in this Pokémon Go Ultimate Trainer’s Guide. This isn’t the traditional Gameboy game where any 10 year old child can leave home on a grand adventure catching monsters and battling strangers — this is the big leagues, so let’s get you informed.
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1. Decide once and for all what is reality and what is virtual. Master trainers can read between the line when the app cautions to “stay aware of your surroundings at times.” “Aware” really means to keep a Zen state of mind that eliminates all distractions outside the game. Consider investing in blinders that will discard any distractions from the physical world — the idea that reality and virtuality operate on different planes of existence will only hold you back.
2. Go outside. This may seem like a simple pro tip from the Pokémon Go Ultimate Pro Trainer’s Guide, but some trainers can miss the point here. I personally know someone who accidentally spent their first two hours in a closet looking for Pokémon. What an idiot. After venturing outside however, it became a whole new (poké) ball game for him. Pokémon are out there, you just have to go find them.
3. Take the Poké-road less traveled by. Consider alternative avenues to cause Pokémon spawns. Many trainers realize that different Pokémon spawn in specific biomes — water Pokémon spawn near bodies of water, grass Pokémon in green fields, electric Pokémon inside locked transformers, etc.So, get creative — stand under a running shower or take a leisurely swim to the bottom of the nearest pool in order to spawn water Pokémon.
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4. Get the gear. Invest in the proper equipment — it’s 2016, which means wearable technology is not only readily available, but also the norm for the upper echelon of society. Tape external battery packs to your every limb. Wear solar-powered propeller hats. Investing in a motorized wheelchair is an investment to conserve energy.
5. When it comes to rare Pokémon: location, location, location. Reports have trickled in of Pokémon Go trainers disregarding safety in order to capture Pokémon on highways, private property and other dangerous locations. To those who question these methods I ask: how bad do you want it? After all, it’s common knowledge that the rarest flying-type Pokémon only spawn in heaven and the best fire-type Pokémon can only be found in hell. Risk equals reward, people.
6. Think outside the box when it comes to gyms. Much like Pokémon spawns, the location of gyms directly relates to their types. Water parks will feature water Pokémon, karate dojos attract fighting Pokémon and IKEAs are that annoying puzzle gym that took ages (and many tears) to solve as a kid. Realize that every gym offers two avenues to success—the traditional manner of Pokémon battles, or good old-fashioned prison rules. This game is free of age bias — any virtual trainer could be an innocent 7 year old kid just waiting to get jumped by a 20-something trainer.
7. Investigate every rumor and secret. Much like the heyday of Pokémon Blue and Red when the infamous “Mew under the truck” rumor spread like wildfire, much misinformation will find its way around, but occasionally the rumors are true. As such, hunt down any and all internet gossip. Does Mewtwo only spawn on military bases? Does kicking down bathroom stalls trigger in-game events? Will putting two phones running Pokémon Go in the microwave allow for breeding? There’s only one way to find out.
Don’t forget to team up with other trainers out there in the real world, as Pokémon Go provides the best opportunity to find kindred, internet-turned-real-friends since KONY 2012. Use these top-tier tips to unleash your inner Pokémon potential and by all means, get out there. Catch ’em all.
Follow Alex Furrier on Twitter.
