On the spot

On the spot

We found psychology sophomore Miguel Jeffery practicing with his rifle line by Cochise Residence Hall.

Wildcat: You’re on the spot. In light of the school shooting tragedy, do you think we should be able to bring guns to schools?

(Leader): If you have any questions about our drill team or competitions or anything like that, we’d be able to answer that. Representing the Air Force, we can’t answer stuff that has…

W: To do with guns?

(Leader): No.

W: Well, I have other questions that don’t have to do with guns. Can I ask those?

Jeffery: I know what I’m allowed to or not allowed to answer, so I can try.

W: OK. If you had to kill someone with a vegetable, what would it be?

J: I have no idea. I guess I’d use a carrot.

W: Why?

J: It looks pointy.

W: Would you eat it afterwards?

J: Probably not.

W: Why not?

J: Because I just killed someone with it. That would be kind of weird.

W: If you had to be killed by a bodily function, what would it be?

J: I’ve never thought about that. Osmosis.

W: What’s that?

J: Some biological process in the body about converting water to something, I can’t remember.

W: So if you’re walking down the street and someone wanted to kill you, they could be like, “”Yaaaa!”” and shake their head a lot and turn you into water.

J: That would be a funny way to go.

W: What’s the worst thing that could ever fall on your head?

J: There are a lot of bad things, but I’d say a brick.

W: What’s the worst distance that it could fall from?

J: I believe if you’re standing on top of the Sears Tower and a penny falls from it, it can kill you.

W: But what about even higher than the Sears Tower? What about from an airplane?

J: What’s the worst thing that could fall on your head? Probably bird crap.

W: Or, what’s that from the “”Twilight Zone?”” A demon! You know the movie where the guy’s like, “”There’s a man on the wing!”” What if the man just fell on you?

J: That’d be really random.

W: And John Lithgow would be so excited because he finally left. Anyway, if you had to eat one food in heaven, what would it be?

J: Spaghetti. I love Italian food.

W: If you had to kill someone with spaghetti, how would you do it? Would you wrap it around their neck?

J: No, I just think I’d throw the meatballs at them.

W: Or maybe if you threw a meatball from an airplane or the Sears Tower. If you could have sex with Kylie Minogue every day for the rest of your life, all the time, or go to heaven, what would it be?

J: Go to heaven.

W: Is it because you don’t like Kylie Minogue?

J: No, it’s just, I want to go to heaven, you know.

– interview by Andi Berlin