Happy Birthday, Tucson
Tucson turned 232 years old this week, and the city is holding a month long celebration. Other than being a palindrome, nobody has quite been able to figure out why a 232nd birthday merits such a long party. I guess those of us who assumed a birthday was just a one-day event were wrong.
Kicking off the celebration, Mayor Bob Walkup declared, “”It behooves us as Americans to remember the gallant deeds of those who settled and developed this area.”” Maybe instead of wasting time on extravagant celebrations, the mayor could feel “”behooved”” to fix the potholes on Park Avenue and Drachman Street.
No, seriously, that shit’s messing up my bike.
Random Review: Fan Fiction
Do you ever watch old episodes of “”Star Trek”” hoping Captain Kirk and Spock will break into a passionate make-out session, wonder what it would be like to have hot sex with a PokǸmon or dream of a Mario and Luigi tag-team with Princess Peach? Don’t be surprised if you said yes to any of the following because there are, sadly, thousands of others out there just like you, typing out their own fantasies in the world of Fan Fiction. Now, thanks to the black magic of the Internet, these stories are readily available to everyone.
As much as you might hope Fan Fiction would be a creative outlet for burgeoning writers, the plots almost universally detour into sexual pipe dreams.
For turning childhood heroes like Big Bird and He-Man into sex objects, Fan Fiction gets a thumbs down.
On second thought, He-Man was probably asking for it.
Holy Crap
Remember Reverend Ted Haggard, star of the documentary “”Jesus Camp””? He’s the former Evangelical pastor of the New Life mega-church who got busted in November for buying meth and having sex with a male prostitute named Mike Jones (no relation to the rapper). Well, now that he’s lost his six-figure salary, Pastor Ted’s in Arizona asking for donations so that he can preach at the Phoenix Dream Center and get a master’s in counseling from the University of Phoenix.
This might sound noble except for the fact Haggard was given a $138,000 severance package earlier this year, sold his $700,000 house and is still receiving royalties from the 12 books he’s authored.
Even more bizarre is that the charity he’s funneling money through was technically dissolved in February and is run by convicted sex offender Paul G. Huberty. I’m sure if Haggard brings the dress and Huberty brings the meth, these guys could throw one wild party.
Hollywouldn’t
If you happened to miss the 2004 film “”Alien vs. Predator”” (and a lot of you did), the good folks over at 20th Century Fox have decided to release a sequel, “”Aliens vs. Predator: Requiem.”” The movie may not be coming out until Christmas Day, but a gory, age-restricted trailer has just been released on the Web. Accessible by anybody who claims they’re over 18, the trailer features a 9-year-old boy getting his head eaten, acid burning off a man’s face and countless other people getting torn in half. Even more confusing than the disjointed combination of the plots from the two series is the presence of a Sigourney Weaver look-alike, Reiko Aylesworth.
In reality, these films are exactly like Godzilla and King Kong monster flicks, with the human element tossed in for pacing. I guess you can’t expect much from a movie based on a video game based on a movie.
Weekly Apology: Mister Rogers
If you were born during the last 30 years you probably grew up watching “”Mister Rogers’ Neighborhood,”” unless your parents were Satanists. Four and a half years ago this week, the iconic children’s television host died, paving the way for the Iraq War in the weeks that followed (think about it).
In fact, the world’s never quite been the same. Following in the wake of Mister Rogers’ death, wholesome Lindsay Lohan began doing cocaine and accidentally flashing her crotch, the Bulletin of Atomic Scientists Doomsday Clock clicked two minutes closer to a nuclear apocalypse and a steroid-filled Barry Bonds broke Hank Aaron’s all-time home run record.
On behalf of all of us, Mister Rogers, we’re sorry for failing to remember your lessons about fairness, love and always feeding our fish – although we’re still wondering why you named the king of the Neighborhood of Make-Believe, Friday XIII.
Quote of the Week
“”I personally believe that U.S. Americans are unable to do so because some people out there in our nation don’t have maps. Our education over here in the U.S. should help the U.S., or should help South Africa and should help the Iraq and the Asian countries so we will be able to build up our future.””
– Miss Teen South Carolina giving her rationale for why she thinks one-fifth of Americans can’t identify the U.S. on a world map during “”Miss Teen USA.””
Compiled by Andrew Austin
