The Student News Site of University of Arizona

The Daily Wildcat

90° Tucson, AZ

The Daily Wildcat

The Daily Wildcat

 

    Will the real QB please stand up?

    Roman Veytsmanassistant sports editor
    Roman Veytsman
    assistant sports editor

    First it was Willie Tuitama. Then came Adam Austin.

    And now the Arizona quarterbacking job has come full circle, falling into the lap of 2003 starting quarterback Kris Heavner, who had time for a cup of coffee at Baylor and also dabbled with trying to pitch for Arizona’s baseball team.

    But what would happen if Heavner went down with an injury like his aforementioned signal-calling brethren?

    Since Arizona quarterbacks have spent so much time in hospitals they could star on “”ER,”” let’s consider seven possible candidates to take over at quarterback in case Heavner joins Tuitama and Austin on the UPBIAQL (unable to perform because of an injury as an Arizona quarterback list).

    Syndric Steptoe:

    Strengths: He would be the quarterback if freshman Tyler Lyon isn’t asked to take off that redshirt.

    He has great speed and mobility for a quarterback, and already has a good grasp of the offense.

    He ran the spread offense, the run-and-gun and some option as a senior All-District quarterback in high school in Bryan, Texas.

    He says he’s got an arm: “”You always have to have the deep ball in your repertoire. I love throwing the deep ball.””

    Plus, according to Steptoe, his weaknesses as quarterback are as follows: “”I don’t have any.””

    Weaknesses: He’s a wide receiver. And he’s 5-foot-9.

    In three plays as quarterback against Stanford, with Heavner split out wide, Steptoe called two timeouts and ran for negative yards.

    (On the first play, center Blake Kerley didn’t realize Steptoe was the quarterback.)

    Plus, “”I’d definitely rather catch it than throw it,”” Steptoe said.

    Jennie Finch:

    Strengths: She is already an icon at Arizona, and Finch has the charisma, physical talent and experience to lead a Pacific 10 Conference football team.

    Oh, and did I mention beauty (which is instrumental in building a winner)? She would certainly distract opponents – with her play-action fakes.

    She’s a proven winner, going 32-0 in 2001 and setting an NCAA record. She can catch opponents off guard with her underhand delivery.

    Weaknesses: She’s married to Casey Daigle.

    Borat:

    Strengths: He could bait officials into making calls in his favor.

    He’s great at enticing bulletin board material from opponents while being able to get in their heads as well.

    He has already duped people in Tucson to root for him once.

    Weaknesses: He’s just slightly controversial. OK, really controversial.

    He has no football knowledge.

    He would ruin Arizona’s chances at getting recruits from Kazakhstan.

    His sister was rated the No. 2 or No. 3 prostitute in Kazakhstan, and they sometimes pretend to be husband and wife.

    Lute Olson:

    Strengths: He has a long history of winning and great leadership ability, would command respect in the huddle, keeps in sterling shape with an exercise regimen his players admire and is unlikely to get in trouble with the law. He’s already in one sport’s Hall of Fame.

    Weaknesses: At 72, he would need an Indianapolis Colts-like offensive line to protect him from injury.

    His arm strength could also be a factor, and he would be the only senior on the team who could get a discount at the movie theater.

    My roommate Kevin:

    Strengths: At 6-foot-5, he has ideal quarterback height and could see over the defense.

    Being left-handed, he adds a different dimension to the position.

    He’s able to talk his way out of any class assignment and is just as long-winded on evening outings. His communication skills are impeccable for a position that requires these skills.

    His football knowledge is superb, attained from playing Madden for up to seven hours in a day as well as spending every Sunday parked in front of a television and laptop to keep up with the games and fantasy football.

    Weaknesses: At 165 pounds (and that’s questionable), he lacks the ideal weight of a quarterback – or a kicker for that matter. Or even the team’s waterboy.

    Although he gets the recommended eight hours of sleep daily, those hours and about four more per day come as a result of being passed out on the couch.

    His lack of motivation in general is also not ideal, and his risk factor of being in trouble with the law is unmistakably high.

    Ryan O’Hara:

    Strengths: He has previously quarterbacked for the Wildcat football program, and he didn’t get physically hurt.

    Once a high school All-American, he has great size at 6-foot-6 and 220 pounds, and he was once the cream of John Mackovic’s top-20 recruiting crop in 2002.

    He also played on the Arizona basketball team.

    Weaknesses: He may not have been hurt, but the team’s hopes for a win any time he took the field sure were.

    In five games, he threw for an average of 68.2 yards per game with two touchdowns, four interceptions and a whopping 42.3 completion percentage.

    O’Hara wasn’t the happiest camper while he was here, either.

    “”I never thought Nic was that good of a quarterback,”” O’Hara said of former UA quarterback Nic Costa, with whom he shared time. “”I never understood why Mackovic named him the starter.””

    Nicole Richie:

    Strengths: As a one-time student at Arizona, Richie knows all the inner workings of campus.

    She’d be great at entertaining prospective recruits in a Colorado-football-program kind of way.

    She lives “”The Simple Life.””

    Weaknesses: Um …She has a slight drug problem. Can we make a drug-test exemption in this case?

    And then the team would have to deal with Paris Hilton.

    Roman Veytsman is a journalism senior. He can be reached at sports@wildcat.arizona.edu.

    More to Discover
    Activate Search