Hey Ole Tom, what’s good?  

There’s really no polite way to say this, but what exactly do you do? From what I’m able to glean from my television screen, your daily duties consist of leering at patrons while making it rain $100 bills on a glass counter and bola-ing people over with your generosity. I suppose I can assume that makes you a pawn star of some sort, but it’s never clearly said one way or the other. For all I know, you’re a bola-tie-wearing Brando who trades money for certain favors on this, the day of your daughter’s wedding. Maybe your store is a front for a dirty money laundering scheme. Or maybe you just take all the knickknacks, melt them down and cast new belt buckles, I’m really not sure. I know you’re renowned for your … er … goodness, but from where I’m standing you could be even better if you spent more time discussing your services and less time showing off your newest hat.    

But hey, at least your store is dog-friendly,

Luke Money

Dear Express Flooring and Carpets,

You know that feeling you get when you’re witnessing someone else being awkward, and you feel awkward for him? Sort of a weird, sad, secondhand sense of embarrassment? You make me feel that.

At first it was just that woman on your commercials, too forcefully exclaiming, “”Express Flooring — the happy home people!”” But then you dressed her gap-toothed kids, inexplicably, in formal wear and forced them to appear in a commercial with their mother. Way to redefine awkward family photos.

I don’t need a new carpet,

Kristina Bui

Dear Tucson Appliance Company,

Phoenix may have IKEA, but we have you, Bill Edwards. Whether you’re a blues singer, a superhero, Indiana Jones or Uncle Sam, you never cease to provide our community with 30 seconds of slapstick entertainment and reassurance that our happiness is at the top of your list. Not only do you appear to carry any and every brand of luxury appliance, but you also make them available to us at wholesale prices. What more could we ask for? So keep ordering those ridiculous costumes from Party City. Keep dreaming of bigger, better ways to capture our attention as we channel surf. Because finding something interesting to pass the commercial break during “”How I Met You Mother”” is our priority.

Finger guns out, man,

Rebecca Rillos

Oh, Golf ‘N’ Stuff,

Contrary to what your theme song declares, I can get enough of Golf ‘N’ Stuff — and believe me, I have. And since you somehow convinced the cable company to play your ad five times louder than all the other commercials, I really don’t enjoy hearing you chant about “”batting cages, video arcade games, bumper boats, go karts and …”” (hold on a minute while I sing this part in a completely different key) “”…laser tag!””

True, the awful but catchy jingle does a good job listing all the stuff we supposedly can’t get enough of, but still. This commercial always comes on late at night, plays on multiple occasions within the same television slot, and the increased volume catches me off guard!

Please try something simpler (and quieter) next time,

Miranda Butler