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The Daily Wildcat

The Daily Wildcat

 

    Hollywood rehashes old favorites to create new silver screen success

    In what appears to be yet another attempt to annihilate the nation’s collective childhood, Hollywood is rolling out a brand-new slate of spin-offs, sequels and reboots to keep us hobbling into cineplexes for the next three or so years. Chief among them is the recently announced “Scarface” remake, for which Universal Studios is currently scouting writers, and the widely regarded one-of-the-best-crappy-movies-of-all-time “Point Break,” which should never be remade for any reason, ever.

    It’s not for the faint of heart, but if you can stomach it, we at the Daily Wildcat have compiled a gag-inducing list of some of the most shocking Hollywood spin-offs currently in development:

    ‘Point Break’ (1991)

    Originally starring: Patrick Swayze, Keanu Reeves, Gary Busey
    The original film, about an FBI agent who infiltrates a gang of bank-robbing surfers (Oh yeah, we know), is regarded by cinephiles as one of the greatest bad movies in history. The remake, announced earlier this month, will take the story out of the surfing world and drop it into the realm of “international extreme sports.” The only upside: Kurt Wimmer, who is known for his action genre expertise, will write the script.

    ‘Monopoly’

    Based on: The board game

    This one’s been in development for a while, but depending on the success of next summer’s “Battleship,” it could be fast-tracked before we know it. The twist: It’s being helmed by filmmaking legend Ridley Scott (the guy who brought us “Alien,” Blade Runner,” and “Gladiator”), meaning that while a movie based on the most tedious board game of all time might seem like a terrible idea at first … well, so did “The Social Network,” and we all saw how that turned out.

    ‘Scarface’ (1983)

    Originally starring: Al Pacino

    This one’s hard to defend. A few days ago, Universal Studios announced its plans to remake “Scarface,” but insisted it’s less a remake than a “different version” of the story we’ve already seen. So far, little is known about the project, other than that it will be about “an outsider, an immigrant, (who) barges his way into the criminal establishment … becoming a kingpin through a campaign of ruthlessness and violent ambition.” Um, how is that not a remake?

    ‘Total Recall’ (1990)

    Originally starring: Arnold Schwarzenegger, Sharon Stone

    Fans of the original — about a man who has a memory-implant procedure that alters his perception of reality — cringed when news broke that the film would not only be remade, but would star Colin Farrell as Doug Quaid (shoes originally filled by Schwarzenegger). However, word on the street says the script is solid, and director Len Wiseman (“Underworld,” “Live Free Or Die Hard”) is known for his acting chops. Of all the remakes we’ll be seeing, count this one as most likely to be … well, not awful.

    ‘Hasbro Factory’

    Based on: Every Hasbro board game ever

    Pitched as “Night At The Museum” in a toy factory, this idea is all but guaranteed to literally kickstart the biblical apocalypse. As of now, it’s being pitched around Hollywood, though no writers have signed on yet (and we’re hoping they don’t). Come on, Tinseltown … Stop making board game movies.

    ‘Buffy the Vampire Slayer’ (1992)

    Originally starring: Kristy Swanson, Donald Sutherland

    The original TV series was great — but the early ‘90s movie sucked as a total flop famous for its poor acting, a hackneyed plot and shoddy special effects. And they are remaking it without any help from the show’s creator Joss Whedon, original cast or crew, and the show’s cult following has even forged a petition to cease the movie’s production. Not to mention the vampire craze is totally over. So if the established fan base isn’t interested, why does Warner Bros think anyone else will be?

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