Life in a college town wouldn’t be complete without a few nights of debauchery and bad decisions, and with Halloween drawing near, there’s no better time to turn to the more devious side of Tucson. Below is a compilation of the most sinful practices you can attempt in a given weekend, but be forewarned: Attempting them all could leave you with a black eye and without your dignity.
Wrath: Dirtbag’s Bar and Grill
If the name isn’t indication enough, let it be known that this bar is the epitome of a dive. The rough-and-tumble crowd includes some of Tucson’s finest, from leather-baring bikers to the burp-in-your-face hockey boys. Mean-mug someone, get thrown out for punching a patron in the face, or simply show up at closing time on a Friday. Make no mistake that Dirtbag’s will be full of people in drunken fits of rage.
Envy: The Catalina Foothills
While we don’t condone keying an Audi R8, nor do we suggest eyeing a MILF in front of her husband, venturing to the Foothills in Tucson is enough to make anyone a little jealous. After being surrounded by the typical Tucson crowd, a trip to Fleming’s Prime Steakhouse & Wine Bar might just be the bit of luxury you need — and probably can’t afford.
Pride: UA Sports
You know the old adage, “The UA is a university attached to a football program,” so why not live up to that reputation? Don your UA gear, get a tattoo of Wilbur Wildcat and make the drive up to ASU for a rivalry game. Piss off some Sun Devils walking through their campus screaming, “Bear Down.”
Lust: Fascinations
Porn, ropes, corsets, vibrators, sex toys — you name it. If you’re looking to play up your devious side this weekend, Fascinations can help. The wide range of products means there’s something for everyone from the weak at heart to the no-holds-barred.
Greed: Homework helpers
When college students feel debt looming over them, they get resourceful. To make a quick buck, say “fuck it” to the academic handbook. Have a pledge pay you to write his research paper, do someone else’s math homework, complete an MIS project that’s not yours — anything for some extra Jacksons in your pocket.
Sloth: Marijuana
Take advantage of the fact that Arizona is California’s neighbor. Buy an ounce of Bubble Gum Kush or Hog’s Breath from a freshman on Highland Avenue and spend your weekend doing nothing but playing “Grand Theft Auto” and sleeping.
Gluttony: Cheba Hut
Let’s be honest: Sloth and gluttony basically go hand-in-hand. With delivery service until 3 a.m., Cheba Hut is your go-to for munchies — literally. The “Incredible Munchies” section on the menu boasts legal hemp brownies, Rice Krispies bars and the ever-popular goo ball. Dine on a “La Canna Blunt” with extra bacon, cheese and guacamole, and think nothing of the freshman 15.
— Follow Amy Johnson @Amy_Jhnsn
