ROBIN: “”Holy cashcow, Batman! Absolutely everyone’s talking about ‘Watchmen’ all of a sudden – it’s like we never even existed! What’s the big deal about another comic book movie, anyway?””

BATMAN: “”‘Watchmen’ is more than a mere ‘comic book movie’, my young ward; it’s the big-budget adaptation of perhaps the most acclaimed graphic novel in American history! You know how kids these days get fanatic about that kind of thing.””

“”Gee willickers, Batman, that sounds a lot like ‘300’.””

“”Well, yes…but ‘300’ was about slow-motion homoerotic warriors killing uglier slow-motion homoerotic warriors. ‘Watchmen’ combines a stunning visual style with the narrative grit and gore that comes from the core of a corrupt, uncompromising society.””

“”Good golly, Batman, you mean like ‘Sin City’?””

“”Well, yes … but ‘Sin City was’ about indiscriminate vengeance and vigilantism. ‘Watchmen’ is about estranged superheroes trying to find a place in a nuclear-destruction-bound world that no longer wants them. It’s social satire and hyper-violent comic action rolled into one!””

“”Jiminy Crickets, Batman, you mean like ‘X-Men’?””

“”Well, yes … but where ‘X-Men’ was a blatant campaign of good versus evil, ‘Watchmen’ obscures the lines of right and wrong; Rorschach, the mysterious mask-wearing protagonist, is at once social crusader and unrelenting psychopathic killer, complicating the tired themes of ‘good’ and ‘bad’ heroes.””

“”Leaping lizards, Batman, you mean like ‘V For Vendetta’?””

“”Well, yes …””

“”Or ‘The Punisher’?””

“”Well -“”

“”Or ‘The Crow’ or ‘The Boondock Saints’ or ‘Taxi Driver’ or -“”

“”Okay, that’s quite enough from you, my pugnacious protégé. Sure, ‘Watchmen’ falls into many of the comic clichés that have taken the film industry hostage over these past decades – especially lame dialogue, corny acting and a shamelessly invasive soundtrack – but that’s half the reason people like these movies. Once in a while, Americans just need to see something cheesy and spectacular; something with enough blood, explosions, and big, blue radioactive penises to free their minds from the minutia of daily life; some melodramatic, over-the-top social critique that is so devoid of subtlety that we can’t help but question the very nature of the human world! Sure, ‘Watchmen’ won’t be winning any Oscars in this lifetime, but in the end it will win something more valuable than any award: the satisfaction of leaving an imprint on society. That, and lots and lots of money.””

“”Jeepers, Batman! ‘Watchmen’ sounds pretty fantastic to me! Did you like it?””

“”Meh. Book was better.””

Rating: *** 1/2