In the past, I have sarcastically praised some of the finer aspects of our university, but the time for joking is over. Times are getting desperate, and it’s time to settle down, be serious, and take a solemn look at some of the university’s most ridiculous screw-ups.

In all honesty, there’s a lot of stuff that doesn’t bother me: bike-stealing, bad cell phone reception in my room, Guantanamo Bay. Nah, it just doesn’t get to me. But you know what does get to me? You want to know what really makes me sicker to my stomach than a bottle of Jim Beam Black chased with a shot of tequila?

It’s looking at that outdoor staircase on the Life Sciences South building. I mean, who puts stairs on the side of a building like that? Seriously, guys, it looks like a combination of that huge staircase in the Student Union combined with a fire escape.

And don’t get me started on those gloriously stupid protrusions coming out of the structure. They’re giant fins just sticking out of the walls like some stone Aztec rocket ship crashed into the ground. It’s okay to spice things up now and then, but they serve absolutely no purpose apart from wasting cash.

It’s almost as if not enough money was spent renovating the Old Main fountain over the course of two years so the water could be shut off. Then again, what do I know? Maybe some buildings really do need to be aerodynamic. After all, the Chemical Sciences building was apparently in dire need of a copper shield in the face of an impending attack, so maybe there is some strategy behind this military-architectural complex.

Less strategic, however, are the high-drag Chevy C5500 trucks often found driving around campus in circles, burning up black gold, with anywhere between two and zero passengers on board. These are, of course, the CatTran shuttles. I can’t figure out the city gas mileage of those babies’ diesel engines, but it can’t be good. Just try to calculate the petroleum consumed by having that sort of vehicle, with that much weight, loop around a section of campus while starting and stopping for every stop sign, traffic impediment, and pedestrian.

That doesn’t tick me off nearly as much as the excessive plasma televisions that the Student Union likes to collect as unnecessary high-tech trinkets in Three Cheeses and a Noodle or as posh menus at the Cactus Grill. What’s next? Swanky Bluetooth ketchup dispensers emblazoned with Swarovski crystals?

Then there’s the Student Union’s food court: apart from the wonders of the On Deck Deli, what a waste of government-sponsored space.

Panda Express? Death to go. Papa John’s offers one of the highest priced pizza slices near campus and also arguably the worst tasting ones. Burger King and Chick-Fil-A surely fill the niche of fast food that Panda Express doesn’t. What really fuels my Rec Center workouts, however, is the Wednesday lunch combo. At first glance, the $3 glory deal sounds like a steal. What generosity, right? To quote “”Clueless””: “”As if!””

And to quote former Wildcat editor Connor Mendenhall on DesertLamp.com, it’s “”an avalanche of pork”” – a quarter million dollars from the unnecessary Student Services Fee to the collectivist establishment known as the Student Union. Truly, ever since my first semester it’s been too evident that the UA Meal Plan has been the center of one of the biggest con schemes I’ve ever seen.

Furthermore, out of the handful of things on campus I’ve mentioned that make my hair stand on end, this Services Fee business would be the easiest to remove. Until that joyous day comes, bear down.

– Daniel Greenberg is a political science junior. He can be reached at letters@wildcat.arizona.edu.