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The Daily Wildcat

The Daily Wildcat

 

    Apropos of Nothing — No tanks, bro: Keep UA a DMZ

    Winter is more than halfway over, which means the end of Southern Arizona’s three months of sweater weather is getting closer by the day. Along with the arrival of spring, I’ve heard that bro tanks will soon be back and more popular than ever at the UA. I think this trend should be a major cause for concern, consternation and outrage. I know that Arizona has a reputation of being enthusiastic about the Second Amendment, but I think letting ordinary bros have tanks on campus goes a little too far. Personally, I think only trained military personnel should have tanks.

    Bro tanks could be a campus safety issue. The Arizona Board of Regents policy manual bans the “use, possession, display, or storage of any weapon” on public university campuses. Many people would see a tank as a threatening “weapon.” Even if the tank’s cannon is technically deactivated, you still might be more hesitant to make an angry gesture at someone in a tank than at someone in a Volkswagen bug. It seems inconsistent and hypocritical.

    Besides safety, there are tons of other reasons why bros taking tanks to campus is a bad idea. Isn’t traffic on Interstate 10 bad enough with all the semi trucks? I’m not an expert on heavily-armored military vehicles, but I doubt most tanks can cruise along at 75 mph. The M1 Abrams tank used by the U.S. military, for example, has a maximum road speed of 42 miles per hour. That’s not going to cut it on the freeway, bro. These tanks will slow everything down, and their only economic benefit will be improving the job security of traffic reporters.

    And bros in tanks will make the already bad campus parking situation even worse. I seriously doubt most tanks can fit between those yellow lines in our parking garages. And if any of them tries to fit in one of those “compact car” spaces, I really hope UA Parking and Transportation Services throws a whole book of tickets at them.

    What about the environmental effect of bro tanks? I thought we were trying to be a green campus. Tanks may be famous for helping the Soviets defeat the Germans in World War II, but they are not so famous for having great gas mileage. Last time I checked, Toyota didn’t make a hybrid tank. The folks there need to get on that, but until they do, let’s make sure tank exhaust doesn’t stink up University Boulevard.

    Even if we did allow tanks on campus, it definitely wouldn’t be fair to limit them to bros. There’s no place for gender discrimination in 2014. Besides, I’m pretty sure Title IX would require us to have just as many babe tanks as bro tanks.

    In conclusion, if you ask me whether we should allow bro tanks on campus, I will have to say, “Thanks, but no tanks!”

    Breaking news: I have just been informed that bro tanks are actually tank top shirts, not armored military vehicles. It was an honest mistake, just like that time I denounced a sub shop that was moving into the neighborhood because I thought it was crazy to sell submarines in the middle of the desert. How was I supposed to know they were only sandwiches? Anyway, I guess bro tanks probably don’t need to be banned, though I do have some arguments against them. However, that would be a whole other column I’m too lazy to write, even if that means this one totally tanks.

    Disclaimer: As a general rule, nothing in Logan Rogers’ columns should be taken seriously.
    Logan Rogers is a second year law student. Follow him @DailyWildcat.

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