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The Daily Wildcat

The Daily Wildcat

 

    Proposing a music industry battle royale with artists to fight and avoid

    Everyone has people they want to fight. Everyone has people they’re afraid of. These just happen to be musicians.

    The music industry is filled with polarizing figures capable of inciting fanaticism or incendiary rage. Approachable or not, some artists strike fear into the hearts of their listeners with their rabid fan base or witchcraft. Some artists just deserve to be smacked around. This is a primer on the industry’s modern Attila The Huns and those who are cruisin’ for a bruisin’.

    I wouldn’t fight …

    Justin Bieber:

    This is a no-brainer. The Canadian heartthrob is essentially a cult figure, and the last thing I want to be responsible for is a pop culture deicide. The idea of millions of preteen female fans descending upon me like a “Children of The Corn” sacrifice is enough to make me stay far away from the Biebs.

    I’m not a fan of “Boyfriend” or “Baby,” but I’d be damned if I wouldn’t listen to his entire catalog in lieu of being beaten to death with jellies.

    Prince:

    Whatever name Prince is currently going by, it’s been rumored that the musical enigma has spiritual epiphanies and knows dark magic.

    This is a man who changed his name to an unpronounceable symbol, so it can’t be denied that he holds some crazy unseen power. Even if I were to get a solid hit in on the dude behind “Purple Rain,” I’d likely be doomed to fiery hell for all eternity or would lose my ability to control my bowels forever — either way, I’m cursed.

    Miranda Lambert:

    Lambert is a 5-foot-4 Texas bombshell that must know her way around a gun. Despite her stature and her double-take-inducing looks, she’s written a song about shooting a man dead, and that’s enough to make me think again about crossing her.

    I’d say the same thing about Taylor Swift if she wrote “Gunpowder and Lead” as well, but Lambert also has Blake Shelton backing her up. Blake better be on his best behavior, because his country bride sure knows how to load a shotgun.

    Ted Nugent:
    Bows. Arrows. Extreme right-wing values. Nugent is the kind of guy that would challenge you to a fight and somehow roofie you. You’d find yourself waking up in the woods in a daze. He’d then hide in the treetops and hunt you for three days, eventually taking you down with a crossbow, finally mounting you on his wall. The idea of my lifeless head being subjected to “Cat Scratch Fever” forever is enough to scare me senseless.

    I would fight …

    Liam and Noel Gallagher:

    For the sake of Oasis fans everywhere, I challenge rock’s most tumultuous siblings to a battle. The seminal English band is often remembered for the warring brothers Gallagher and their infamous onstage and backstage implosions rather than their timeless music. I can fully understand the sibling rivalry, but letting it break up a band pushes the envelope too far.

    I suggest that Liam and Noel settle their differences, bring us back to Oasis’ glory days of “Wonderwall” and “Champagne Supernova,” and join forces against me instead. You’re all welcome.

    Drake:

    Aubrey, it’s really simple. I really just want to put you in a wheelchair for real. Instead of being 25 sitting on 25 mil, I’d like the guy to be 25 and lying in a hospital bed. Remember, folks, Drake is the guy who will publicly challenge you to a beating, then send his bodyguard to threaten you. Just ask Kevin Campbell, a Los Angeles tattoo artist that gave a diehard fan Drake’s name tattooed across her forehead. Upon seeing it, the platinum-selling artist said that if he ever saw Campbell in person, he’d “fuck him up.”

    Drake’s next visit to L.A. had him visiting Campbell at his studio, but not in person. Instead, the softest guy in rap lived up to his legend by sending in his “huge security dude,” Campbell said. There’s now a team out there against Drake, with DMX, Ghostface Killah, and Kevin Hart among its ranks. I’m more than happy sign up to play. Put me in, coach!

    Hootie and The Blowfish:

    If music could be wallpaper, Darius Rucker and co. would be the guys hanging it. Every time I walk into a grocery store and hear one of their songs, I find myself praying that someone hits me with a shopping cart and miraculously kills me. Hootie and The Blowfish perfected ultra-bland rock music, making it the ideal soundtrack for watching golf, eating oatmeal or doing laundry. My chances of winning a fight against them are solid, as there are only four dudes in the band and they’re all, like, 50 years old.

    All of frat rap (Asher Roth, Sam Adams, Mac Miller, etc.):

    I’ve really tried to appreciate frat rap, and just can’t seem to come to terms with well-established white boys laying down lackluster hooks over even more lackluster beats. Their music is hugely popular with a young fan base that’s more often found in high school than college. Shouldn’t that be a sign? Either way, most of what I’ve heard is just about weed and girls laced with collegiate references. It’s not new, it’s not worth it, and it’s definitely forgettable. Come at me, bros.

    — K.C. Libman is a senior studying ecology and evolutionary biology and creative writing. He can be reached at arts@wildcat.arizona.edu or on Twitter via @KristianCLibman .

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