It’s no secret that Cosmopolitan has the magazine monopoly on racy sex tips, but sometimes its formula falls short or becomes exceptionally repetitive. This is not to say that Cosmo’s tips are always of no use — I definitely recommend giving them a once-over to satisfy some curiosity and teach an old dog a new trick or two. However, here are a few WTF-worthy tips that probably won’t work as advertised:
Handiwork
“A man’s subliminal hand gestures denote how into you he really is — making the OK sign, giving a thumbs up, or flashing the I-love-you sign.”
Listen, girls, we’re not baseball catchers. We’re not signaling to you how we feel. Maybe I keep my thumb up on my glass when at the bar, but I also may keep my middle finger out as well. If you’re really reading this hard into a guy’s body gestures, you should seek out a career in criminal interrogation. Otherwise, gauge how he feels by listening to what he says — that’s what normal people do. If the conversation is going right, you should be able to pick up on his speech patterns and vernacular as indicators that he’s into you.
Taste the explosion
“Go down on him with Pop Rocks in your mouth.”
Unless you both have some twisted Willy Wonka fetish, refrain from this one. While the idea of a tantalizing new technique may pique your interest, this may fall short, as little carbon dioxide explosions are not as sexy as you think. Tossing candy into the mix makes things a little stickier and messier overall. It would sure make for a memory, just not for the right reasons.
Ice, ice maybe
“Make him hot, then cold — use an ice cube to draw a line from his neck all the way down his body.”
I can’t stress this one enough: Ice cubes belong in my Scotch, not on my crotch. Contrasting elements can work in other applications like pleasure and pain (remember, everything in moderation). However, tossing ice cubes into the equation is a gateway for scarier sensual applications such as Tiger Balm or IcyHot. Maybe it’s a bit extreme, but ice cubes below the waist makes me think of Edward Norton’s skin-melting scene in “Fight Club” — only incessant screaming comes to mind, and I wouldn’t count on Brad Pitt to save you.
Getting the shaft
“Place one hand at the base of his shaft, while twisting the tip with your other, as if you’re opening a jar.”
Does anyone remember that sadistic kid from grade school who would administer Indian rug burns at any opportunity? Well, just like that kid is probably in jail now, this move should also be locked away forever. In the heat of the moment, attempting this maneuver could go wrong in any number of ways — just use your imagination and cringe away. But if a trip to the hospital will get your motor running, fire away, troops.
