For the love of squirrels

The Wildcat found undecided freshman Tom Greenhalgh while he was playing basketball at the court next to Cochise Residence Hall.

Wildcat: Hi, you’re on the spot. Or at least actually, I’m kind of tired of thinking of questions so how about I’m on the spot. You ask me a question.

Greenhalgh: About anything?

W: Yeah.

G: OK, what year are you in?

W: Senior.

G: I’m guessing you’re majoring in journalism or communications, correct?

W: How did you know that?

G: Because you’re writing for the Wildcat.

W: Oh.

G: What do you write about?

W: Fashion, trees, animals and defecating, I think.

G: Okay.

W: Ask me another question. Is there any way you could ask me a question and put a squirrel in there somehow?

G: Squirrel?

W: I mean, that last question was good, and I liked it. But I write about animals, so…

G: Were you going to interview me about something like that?

W: No, just in general. I just like squirrels. I mean, you could ask me if I own a squirrel, or if I would be a squirrel…

G: Would you rather be a squirrel or a human?

W: Human.

G: Why?

W: I donno, I actually don’t really like squirrels that much.

G: So what’s your fascination with them?

W: I don’t know, I don’t really like them. Well, I like them but don’t. All right, let’s just do another question. Can you ask me one about soda cans?

G: What’s your favorite kind of soda … can?
The design.

W: Hmm. That’s a really good question. I would say, Fanta? I just like the colors, but I don’t really remember what the design is per se. Okay, ask me what my favorite snake is.

G: What’s your favorite snake?

W: Hmm, I’m not sure. Sidewinder, python? Which is the one that kills the cows?

G: I’m not sure.

W: I think that’s a python. Is there a basketball team that has a snake?

G: Basketball teams, no. There are baseball
teams: Diamondbacks.

W: Oh yeah, that’s what I was thinking! OK, last one. Actually, I’ll ask you a question because this isn’t going very well. If you had to ask me an annoying question, what would it be?

G: Um, how much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a wouldchuck could chuck wood?

W: Ten!

– interview by Andi Berlin