The kids have sprung forth in droves of bleached locks, skintight jeans, and lip piercings.
At first I didn’t believe the MySpace pages, likening them to socially awkward unicorns that plague skateparks and movie theaters on Friday nights. They worship faux metal bands, like Black Veil Brides, that brand themselves as new age Guns N’ Roses. They’ve spent more time in front of a mirror than in a mosh pit. They often weigh 90 pounds wet and look like they’d belong in a third-world country sponsored by Hot Topic.
Troops, we have got to change this.
This came to my attention at a show my band played this summer. These little zombies, clad in too-small clothing, rimmed the pit during our set, afraid of jumping into the throng of hardcore dancers. They carried an air of unaffected poise, as if the spectacle and music at hand wasn’t enough to get their blood moving. In response, I ask metal venues, as well as their musicians, to make a change.
Fake blood mandatory for all shows. In the vein of theatrics, GWAR is the quintessential live metal show — fake blood, fake effigies, and giant costumes are the band’s recipe for success. As a tribute to GWAR, all venues catering to metal should require 120 gallons of fake blood to be dispensed onto the crowd for every single show, regardless of context. Metal fans should embrace this with enthusiasm.
Stage diving should always be acceptable. Some of my favorite shows have been those where I find myself either on top of a crowd or eating a concrete floor — both scenarios are equally invigorating. It may be a form of masochism, but stage diving is an undeniable rush, and when a band initiates this most sacred act of metal-dom, everyone should answer the call, regardless of security’s take on it. I truly applaud Tucson’s own The Rock for being so cool with stage diving for so many years.
Self-deprecation and humor should play larger roles in metal. I’ll be the first to admit it — the “brutality” and “hardcore” aspects of metal are hysterically funny on paper. No one is actually going to carry out 90 percent of metal lyrics, which effectively makes the written aspect of the genre a joke unto itself. Bands that often poke fun at the seriousness that surrounds their craft, such as Cancer Bats, Protest The Hero, and Every Time I Die, have cult followings for just this reason. It would better the nature of both the musicians and the fans to take a page from these guys and relax a little.
— K.C. Libman is a senior studying ecology and evolutionary biology. He can be reached at arts@wildcat.arizona.edu.
