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The Daily Wildcat

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The Daily Wildcat

The Daily Wildcat


“A few, simple ways to prepare for a new Arizona”

Arizona’s profound new racial-profiling — cough, immigration — bill goes into effect … somewhat soon. The only criteria on that front is “”90 days after the current legislative session ends,”” according to numerous sources, including Time magazine.

So, that figures to put the starting date in late July or early August. Assuming the bill survives an expected onslaught of formal and informal protests, including lawsuits by the City of Phoenix and civil-rights groups.

Successive courts may opt to slap on injunctions, preventing the bill from taking effect for as long as judges need to chew on its constitutionality. The federal government could do the same, perhaps granting permanent relief. Or no one will do anything at all, and the University of Arizona Police Department will join others statewide in changing their acronyms to GESTAPO.

Whatever happens, it’s best to be prepared, in case of ignominy. For the purposes of this column, suppose we have 99 days. What follows, then, is a list of 99 things (redacted to save the environment) everyone should consider doing:

1. Take “”How to speak to like an American”” classes. Inflection will be everything in the world we live in come late-July.

5. Practice fasting. Jail food isn’t known for its palatability.

9. Find copious deposits of dog poop. See next.

10. Buy paper bags. See next.

11. Insert dog poop into paper bags. See next.

12. Learn home address of Gov. Jan Brewer. See next.

13. Drive to home address of Gov. Jan Brewer. See next.

14. Leave paper bags filled with dog poop on doorstep of Gov. Jan Brewer. See next.

15. Ignite paper bags filled with dog poop and left on said doorstep. See next.

16. Run – fast. This may also help you train for evading police if and when you realize you forgot to take your driver’s license with you for your evening jog. See No. 31.

31. Avoid populating violent, high-crime areas at 1:00 a.m., walking away from police when they attempt to follow you, placing your hands in your pockets after seeing the officers begin to follow you, and refusing to remove your hands when thus commanded. Indeed, the Arizona Court of Appeals declared in February that these seemingly benign circumstances gave police “”reasonable suspicion”” to believe Kendall Lee Ramsey illegally possessed drugs, giving them the right to place their hands on him even though he was just walking away. In fact, as the U.S. Supreme Court established in Illinois v. Wardlow, even “”unprovoked flight”” from officers in a high-crime area is all they need to act constitutionally.

In case you’re wondering, reasonable suspicion is all Arizona police will need to stop and confront someone they suspect of being illegally in this country.

44. Practice telling officers to “”fuck off.”” Did you know that you have the constitutional right not to answer an officer’s question? If he or she pushes the issue and commands you to stop, don’t do it. Keep walking, because your consent will legitimize whatever the officer does to you thereafter.

52. Avoid dollar stores, Wal-Mart and long walks down the streets of South Tucson. See Nos. 31 and 44.

65. Consider tattooing on your forearm the least visually cluttered piece of identification you own. It’ll hurt less than justice.

71. Don’t pick up hitchhikers. They may be cadets in the field.

73. Decline any job offer at even a penny lower than minimum wage. Your arthritic, welfare-ridden grandmother can moan about her weeds all she wants.

76. Stop smoking weed in public. You can always order in.

78. Abstain from Cinco de Mayo for a year or two. See Nos. 52 and 71.

80. Have friends call Immigration and Customs on you. You know, for practice.

81. Scour the classifieds for menial labor jobs. So you can start calling employers in, oh, about 99 days.

94. Unlearn Spanish. Because you may not need it for long.

99. Find living arrangements in another state. This one you might want to put off until later this year, when we find out if Brewer will be around for a full-term through 2015.

At least that would give plenty of time to make a list.

­— Tom Knauer is a first-year law student.

He can be reached at

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