From the time we’re old enough to talk, we’re taught not to talk about sex. We’re taught that sex is too personal and too graphic and that it should be kept to ourselves. When we are allowed to talk about sex, it’s in settings like middle school sex ed, where we are so uncomfortable, censored and pubescent that we don’t really learn anything. And somehow, we’re supposed to go on to have healthy, adult sexual relationships? Shut up, society.
If you want to have amazing, non-awkward sex, you have to be able to communicate with your partner(s). This means talking about the specifics: What, when, where and how. How are you supposed to tell your partner you want to try anal bondage sex if you can’t say the words, “Tie me up and put it in my ass, please?” You can’t even try doggy style if the phrase “bending over” makes you blush.
Some people need a how-to on pleasing their partners. There’s nothing wrong with that. Human beings don’t come with instruction manuals, which is half of the fun, and your partner will not know if you love or hate something unless you tell them.
I taught my best friend how to give blow jobs using a Comcast remote control as a phallic model. I gave her clear instructions on how to lick, tease and use her hands and mouth.
When I asked my friend why she didn’t just have her boyfriend show her what he liked, she told me that she had tried. But he just sat there and looked at her, a dumbfounded kid with no idea how to talk to a clothed girl, much less an undressed one. A lack of communication like this can lead to unforgivably horrible sex.
At the beginning of my oral sex career, I was a natural at giving head, but I felt so nervous when receiving it, I couldn’t enjoy it. I’d lay there with deer-in-the-headlights eyes and, afterwards, lie through my teeth and say it was great.
I overcame my inhibitions by realizing my pleasure was just as important as my partner’s, and by figuring out how to instruct them on how to give me that pleasure. I learned to tell partners going down on me what I wanted — where, how fast and how hard. It takes the pressure off of the giver, because they know they’re making me feel good, and I, as the receiver, am not laying there awkwardly faking my moans. It’s a win-win situation.
If you like your clit stimulated while you’re getting fingered, say it. If you want your girl to penetrate you with a strap-on, say it. If you want to fill up the bathtub halfway and ride him like a surfboard, sing along with Beyoncé to get the point across. We’re all adults; we all have fantasies. We need to be able to discuss them comfortably.
Discuss them — not force them on each other. A secure space to say no is necessary for every sexual discussion. Your partner is into water sports, but you think urine should stay in the toilet? You have the right to say no if you’re uncomfortable. Saying no is part of communicating with your partner, and they shouldn’t get mad about you not being down for something. Negotiate the terms of your sexual encounter until everyone has given enthusiastic consent, maybe even throw in a fist bump to seal the deal.
However, saying no is not the same as saying, “Hell no! Ew, that’s gross!” The golden rule of communication: Don’t yuck my yum. Don’t talk shit about something someone likes, because you don’t know how your words will affect them.
Someone’s preference may not appeal to you, but that is no excuse to alienate them or make them feel bad about it. It takes courage and trust to open up to your partner about what you like and want from them. You may not like everything your partner proposes, which is totally fine, but don’t be a jerk about it. Communicate clearly and kindly. Say, “I’m not really comfortable with that” and offer an alternative. Or, be adventurous: Ask for more details about what they had in mind.
It’s OK to be nervous, since no one teaches us how to talk about this stuff. Think about what you want and how to best articulate it before sitting down with your partner. Express that you want to have the best orgasmic sex possible and that you have an idea of how to do it. Realize they might not like the idea, but that’s nothing against you. Be receptive to their ideas as well. Talk it out, then fuck it out. You won’t be sorry.
Kat Hermanson is a gender and women’s studies freshman. Follow her @queerwildkat.
