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The Daily Wildcat

The Daily Wildcat


    Sweet tooth satisfiers: the best and the worst of Halloween candy

    Sweet tooth satisfiers: the best and the worst of Halloween candy

    When you think of Halloween, what comes to mind first? Pumpkins? Ghosts? The annual visit of the Great Pumpkin?

    Well, if you’re anything like I was as a kid, the first thing that comes to mind is candy. Halloween is the one day of the year kids can gorge themselves on sticky, tooth-rotting junk without feeling guilty in the slightest (those of us who lived in neighborhoods with dentists who dispensed toothbrushes instead of candy excepted).

    But, as with many things, not all candies are created equal.


    Here’s the five best things you could see in your bag this Saturday:

    1. Twix. With their gratifying blend of caramel and cookie, not to mention that wonderfully satisfying snap, Twix is the best candy bar on the market. As a bonus, it inspired the “”Seinfeld”” episode where George loses his mind after suspecting that a car dealer mechanic stole his Twix, eventually trying to subject the mechanic to a “”candy lineup”” test to prove his guilt. This moment has my vote for the single funniest in television history.

    2. Sno-Caps. This might be a long shot, since boxes of Sno-Caps tend to be a bit large for trick-or-treat bags, but you can always hope, right? As a bonus, they also make a better movie snack than those chemical-soaked bags of popcorn — possibly the one instance in life where candy is a better bet, health-wise, than “”real”” food.

    3. Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups. Even though no one would mistake the filling for anything resembling peanut butter, Reese’s Cups are every bit as good when you’re an adult as they seemed when you were small.

    4. Sweet Tarts. All that sweetness starts to pall after a while, which is why these dime-sized wonders are essential to any complete Halloween tote bag.

    5. Heath Bar. Though they’re a little maddening to eat — that top layer of chocolate invariably winds up stuck to the roof of your mouth — Heath Bars are still the easiest way for an American to get his toffee fix.


    And here are the five worst things you could get in your bag:

    1. Peanut Butter and Banana Crème Reese’s Cups. An Elvis tribute gone horribly wrong, these cups were a misguided 2007 attempt to pay tribute to the King’s beloved fried peanut butter and banana sandwiches. But even the most undiscerning impersonator would call this one a dog. A hound dog, that is. It’s been nearly two years since I had one, but it haunts me to this day.

    2. Smarties. The only fun thing about these things is unwrapping them. Smarties allegedly come in flavors, but it’s a mystery why they bothered, since they all taste exactly alike. If some joker at the factory replaced them with chalk, I doubt anyone would notice.

    3. Baby Ruth. Despite the cool origin story

    — it’s either named after the legendary slugger or Grover Cleveland’s daughter, depending who you believe — Baby Ruths are pretty awful. They’re so stuffed with peanuts that they’re more salty than sweet, and that paper-thin layer of chocolate is about as satisfying as eating only one potato chip. But they also feel more like an actual meal than any other candy bar on the market. If you were stuck on a desert island, you’d have better chances of survival with a bag of Baby Ruths than, say, a bag of Milk Duds.

    4. Kit  Kat. Don’t look at me like that — these things are terrible. They’re awkwardly designed — has anyone ever successfully broken the “”fingers”” apart along their indicated lines? — and, as with all too many American candies, the “”chocolate”” tastes like wax.

    5. Rocks. Hey, if it happened to Charlie Brown, it could happen to you.

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