The Student News Site of University of Arizona

The Daily Wildcat

80° Tucson, AZ

The Daily Wildcat

The Daily Wildcat

 

    Catnip

    Here at Catnip our year ends early (specifically, today) so for your reading pleasure and/or horror we have teamed with the Heritage Foundation to create the first-ever Catnip awards. We call them the Nippys. Following in the tradition of the Oscars and Emmys, we have ignored all public opinion and logic to generate this unique list of award-winners from scratch.

    Animal of the Year

    Pulling off a miracle comeback, the giant panda is our winner of the 2007 Nippy for Animal of the Year. Popping out their third cub together, the San Diego Zoo’s Bai Yao and Gao Gao have given hope to a species thought to be teetering on the brink of extinction, by finally deciding to start making babies.

    According to the head of the zoo’s panda research unit Ron Swaisgood, “”For 363 days a year they don’t want to have anything to do with each other.”” But after spending 99 percent of the year apart the two bump uglies during Bai Yao’s infrequent mating cycles. Swaisgood adds, “”He only has interest in her for one day, but day two or day three, when she’s still exhibiting interest, he just has nothing to do with her.”” Gao Gao’s habit of ignoring Bai Yao after sex even goes on despite her tempting with him a “”customary booty-shake.”” But one shot is all Gao Gao needs.

    If you want in on the hot panda action, the San Diego Zoo has a live Panda Cam on their Web site with multiple angles in and outside of the panda pen.

    Lifetime Achievement Award

    2007 marked the 100th anniversary for Scouting, the organization responsible for spawning the Boy Scouts, Girl Scouts and providing the blueprints and framework for the Hitler Youth. For being a stalwart source of hypocrisy, bigotry and making kids wear ridiculous uniforms, we’re honoring Scouting with our Nippy for Lifetime Achievement.

    Carrying on the tradition of racism, sexism and militarism, Boy Scouts of America have taken on homosexuality as their flagship issue as of late. Unfortunately, information has surfaced suggesting their founder, Robert Baden-Powell, had a little thing for the boys. Biographer Tim Jeal described that Baden-Powell “”… always enjoyed watching the boys swimming naked, and would sometimes chat with them after they had just ‘stripped off.'”” Digging deeper, Baden-Powell’s personal journal bluntly detailed how he enjoyed returning to his old grammar school and indulging in photos of naked boys with the headmaster when he writes: “”Stayed with Tod. Tod’s photos of naked boys and trees. Excellent.””

    Hmmm… not really any way to misinterpret that.

    Best Giant Phallus

    With a plethora of penis-enlargement schemes flooding late-night TV and your e-mail inbox, it’s safe to assume that a lot of guys out there will go to great lengths to compensate for their shortcomings. Whether it’s purchasing a Swedish penis pump, buying a new Cadillac Escalade or voting Republican, there are many ways men go about coping with their lack of crotchal competence. But sometimes guys can take it too far. Like building a 2000 foot-tall penis – or as architect Santiago Calatrava calls it, the Chicago Spire.

    When erected the “”supertall skyscraper”” will house 1,200 residences and be the largest free-standing structure in North America.

    Let’s not beat around the bush (pun intended), this thing looks like a giant penis sporting one of those new spiral shaped condoms.

    Leaving literally nothing to the imagination, the Flash intro for the official Web site features the spire rising at an angle to suggest it’s the viewer’s own penis – not to mention the pubic-hair-like trees planned at the tower’s base. Oddly the designers of the skyscraper and the condom claim both their inspirations came from seashells.

    Worst Syndicated Column

    Like masturbation, we’re giving this award to ourselves for no reason other than self-gratification. But Catnip isn’t syndicated, you say? Wrong. Last month someone working at mtvU decided to syndicate Catnip as the top story on their Web site. Yes, out of all the college news in the country mtvU decided the Oct. 25 Catnip detailing how monkeys were plotting a “”Planet of the Apes””-like takeover of Earth should have precedence over large-scale protests at Texas Tech and a rash of anti-Semitism breaking out at George Washington University.

    MtvU’s syndication increased Catnip’s readership 25 times its average, becoming the most read article in the Wildcat over the past semester, even ahead of actual coverage of Sept. 5th’s slaying by a few thousand readers. Tough to decide if this stat is more sad or pathetic.

    As much as we’d like to toot our own horn here at Catnip, we know how much we suck and being picked by MTV only validates that. Now that we’re in the company of certifiable crap like Fall Out Boy, “”Wild N’ Out”” and Carson Daly, we might as well just sell out.

    Next week’s Catnip is sponsored by Boo Koo wild berry-flavored energy drink, with a heartwarming forward by Tony Robbins and will be censored for any swear words, crude comments or suggestive puns to appeal to mainstream readers.

    More to Discover
    Activate Search