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The Daily Wildcat

The Daily Wildcat

 

    Humor: Here’s 7 sure-fire ways to find love at the UA

    Students across the UA are always looking for love, but it’s not always the easiest thing to find. Do not fret, though; true love is out there, and we’ll tell you how to find it. Follow these seven tips to a T, and who knows? You may find your significant other by the end of the day.

    1. If there’s a special someone you are interested in asking out, DON’T be afraid to wait until next time.

    Attraction can hit like a ton of bricks: one minute you’re minding your own business, and the next, a furtive glance from a stranger strikes love. Maybe it’s that girl sitting alone at lunch. Maybe it’s that guy who sits next to you in class. Either way, when in doubt, wait it out. Make sure to hype yourself up, rehearse the asking-out script in your head at least 20 times, and then when the “moment” comes, don’t be afraid to put it off until next time, again. In a school of 40,000 students, you are pretty much guaranteed to meet someone, right?

    2. Practice and perfect your “Hey, baby. Let’s elope and spend our remaining years staring into each other’s eyes, having 2.3 kids and retiring to Florida” look.

    In my experience, this one kills. It’s a tough look to perfect, but when you do — watch out. The trick is to give this look to most everyone because, after all, it’s a numbers game. Be careful: this look and a stalker stare are remarkably similar.

    3. Demonstrate your unique humor via culturally relevant T-shirts.

    Nothing is more attractive in a potential mate than a solid sense of humor. Display this by wearing a chuckle-inducing, ironic graphic tee.

    4. Casually drop “hip” vernacular (cough, Netflix and chill) in everyday conversation

    Kids these days love the Internet, and by casually using slang in 2015, you demonstrate cultural relevance and give off that classic “cool kid” vibe. Try this line: “This kid was salty after I #rekt him by throwin’ mad shade. I didn’t care, though, because my whole look was on fleek; I knew bae wanted to Netflix and chill.” That line can work in most any situation, just make sure not to overdo it.

    5. Update your Tinder profile: master the art of a good bio (A.K.A.: conversation starter).

    It’s important to have a bio that screams one of three things: humor, intelligence or kindness. Take your pick, you don’t need to be all those things in life. The profile pic is just as important (showcase your muscles).

    Example: “Hey, this is (your name here). In my free time (when I’m not reading Shakespeare or the Bible), I like saving puppies or kittens from fires; I don’t discriminate. I also enjoy gazing at my shredded abs in the mirror.

    Don’t forget the conversation starter.

    Example: hey bby wuts good?

    Both of these methods have a 95 percent success rate.

    6. Speaking of Internet dating, don’t be afraid to “Catfish” people.

    I once heard that people remember how you make them feel, not what you told them. Catfishing is the pinnacle of this philosophy. Ever heard the phrase “fake it until you make it?” Take that idea to it’s logical conclusion: present yourself to possible lovers as who you want to be one day rather than who you are now. Why be yourself when you can be someone else? By the time you meet up in real life, they won’t mind that you are suddenly 75 lbs. heavier than your pictures, don’t drive a Ferrari or work for the secret service.

    7. Employ reverse psychology on Yik Yak between the hours of midnight and 5 a.m.

    Yik Yak is a playground for rational discussion and the exchanging of ideas, but at night, it’s a whole different ball game. Stand out from the crowd of thirsty creepers by letting everyone know that you are absolutely not looking for a hook-up. Nothing drives the opposite sex more wild than playing hard to get. In fact, playing hard to get is the dominant strategy for finding love at the UA. If you commit to “the game” for four years, there is no way you won’t leave this campus with an honest, lifelong love.  


    Follow Alex Furrier on Twitter.


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