As a professional hater, it has been my job to keep it real with you. When you decided that ear nibbling was going to get you the honeys, I had to be the one to break it to you that ladies do not want to worry about whether or not they should get a rabies shot after a hook up. When you considered lingering around at the house of last night’s hookup, I explained the importance of early morning goodbyes and how to handle the walk of shame with grace. All of my nagging and advice has been strictly out of love. And even though my love hasn’t run out, my time has. So I leave you with some final advice and words to live by.
“”Long hair, don’t care.”” — As someone who once (unintentionally) roofied herself at a date dash and then proceeded to throw up in her purse only to dump it on the bus, I would have worn a bag over my head to hide my identity for the rest of my college career. That is, until I quickly discovered that other people do way more embarrassing things all of the time and no one else is mortified by it. Instead they take the “”long hair, don’t care”” approach and move on with their lives until the next embarrassing thing comes their way.
“”I don’t support game playing. That being said, play on, playa.”” — If you find yourself looking for a boyfriend at a fraternity party, you must be asleep. Sorry to put you on blast, frat bros, but girls need a warning. Fraternity parties are more like a breeding ground than they are a place to meet the love of your life. The “”gentlemen”” of USC’s Kappa Sigma didn’t even try to be sly about this. Recently a chapter email was leaked where they referred to women as targets, claiming, “”they aren’t actual people like us men.”” Charming, right? Lucky for us, other than maybe trying to steal our tank tops, the fraternity guys at UA tend to be decent dudes.
“”You say ‘potato,’ I say ‘vodka.'”” — When you are so hung over that you feel like Regina George in “”Mean Girls,”” in the scene where she’s hit by a bus, don’t be tempted to make the claim that you’re never drinking again. The fact of the matter is you are going to drink again; you are in college. In fact, you are probably going to drink within 48 hours of said hangover. And when you do, take a shot to your liver, make fun of yourself for thinking you’d never drink again and do something that you actually never want to do again, like drunk text your professor.
“”Only bitches text shit.”” — So don’t. Man up and get the courage to confront someone rather than relying on social media/texting to do it for you. If you choose to go the electronic route, then u r lame.
“”Don’t hate me cuz you ain’t me”” — Flash the deuces to any haters in your life, except for me, of course. Fake friends are not the business, and you know it. It is one thing to have a friend that makes you reconsider the outfit you chose for your night out on the town, but it is another story if you have a friend or boyfriend that makes you second guess yourself. You feel me? Tell your haters to shove it and do your thang.
“”I am too drunk to taste this chicken”” is not to be confused with “”I am too drunk to find a restroom.”” — No matter how drunk you are, it is never considered acceptable to pee in your pants. I know, you probably think that it goes without saying, but after witnessing a grown man pee his pants in the middle of a conversation this weekend, I thought it was worth mentioning. Girls will accept many flaws as quirks but there’s just no looking past a pants-wetter — it is unforgivable.
And when in doubt, just think, “”What would Mal do?”” and do it.
xoxo
— Mallory Hawkins is a communication senior. She can be reached at letters@wildcat.arizona.edu.
