We found buisness freshman John Gerrard next to Coronado Residence Hall.

Wildcat: OK, you’re on the spot. What are you going to do for Valentine’s Day?

Gerrard: Have a good time with my girl.

W: How are you going to do that?

G: I’m taking her to Ra, and then get her wet and do something good.

W: One of my friends sent his girlfriend a bunch of flowers to her office, since he lives in California. Have you ever done that for someone?

G: Hell no, I’m not down with that. I’m lazy and I’m fucking cheap.

W: Have you ever bought a teddy bear the size of a miniature horse?

G: Hell no.

W: Have you ever taken someone out to a nice place?

G: Yeah. That’s why we’re going to Ra. It’s pretty nice, it’s good.

W: What about Anthony’s? I think that’s a little better than Ra.

G: I’ve never heard of that. I’m not a T-loc. I’m from California.

W: You should branch out.

G: Oh shit, you’re right.

W: Have you ever gotten a tattoo with a picture of her lips or various body parts?

G: No, that’s kinky. I’m going to try it.

W: How much would you pay for a tattoo like that?

G: She could pay me ten bucks.

W: Have you ever gotten her a Vespa?

G: No.

W: Have you ever gotten her a slave from a different country?

G: I wish. No.

W: Have you ever gotten her a life-size portrait of Marie Antoinette?

G: Naw.

W: Have you ever gotten her a small island?

G: I have not done that.

W: Have you ever gotten her a swimming pool filled with shampoo?

G: No, I have not.

W: Have you ever gotten a celebrity impersonator to impersonate her?

G: No, I haven’t.

W: So all you’re doing is taking her out to Ra? I mean, good luck man.

G: I got her whipped, it’s chill.

– interview by Andi Berlin