I feel like I have to choose between cancer and diabetes at least three times a day. Part of this is no doubt due to my debilitating fascination with death, but the remaining woes could simply be solved by a lifestyle change.
I drink too much soda, even though I only have a can or two a day. Even that is too much, because really, what does soda do for you? At least a carnitas burrito from Chipotle fills you up, even though it’s misleadingly fatty and downright malicious.
Soda is either cancerous or caloric, and worst of all you can’t chew on it. And plus, with all these new combinations of Invisible Diet Cherry Vanilla and Diet Death Zero with a twist of lemon squeezed through a baby’s armpit, it’s confusing and disheartening as well. No matter what flavor you choose, it always ends up tasting like motor oil and cough syrup.
That’s why, when I realized a few days ago that I had somehow not indulged for two days, I decided to see how long I could go. For an entire week, I would experience the mystique of the Catholics and give up soda for my own personal weeklong Lent. And this is what happened…
Day 3: After a dinner and iced tea, my boyfriend tells me that Coca-Cola’s new Vault drink is pretty much the same thing as Surge, the ill-fated late-’90s attempt to put two cups of coffee’s worth of caffeine into a soft drink. (Even though the drink really had less caffeine than Mountain Dew).The reincarnation Vault is yellow and not light green like its predecessor, but that’s pretty much all. I felt a tinge of proud gratification for the comeback, the same feeling you get watching those VH1 shows that conclude with Sebastian Bach making waves as an off-Broadway set designer, but then realized it was stupid.
Day 4: I didn’t really notice the absence of soda most of the day, because I drank three coffees. Unfortunately, I had to make a similar choice between real sugar and the ever-tempting multitude of colorful cancers. I chose the cancers, but went home and looked up the number of calories in a typical white sugar pack, which is actually only 15. Damn!
Day 5: Extremely tired all day because I was up all night searching for MySpace backgrounds on Google Images and then imagining I was other people seeing my MySpace for the first time and wondering what they would think. I see a girl drinking Diet Pepsi at 10 a.m. after my first class, and get extremely angry.
When I get to the Wildcat office, the copy chief asks me if I want to go to Jett’s Wildcat, 501 North Park Ave. Amongst the rows of forbidden ecstasy, I see a shiny silver and green can that says, “”Enviga-The Calorie Burner”” for $1.59. Interesting. Usually I drink things to gain calories, but this concoction promises what no energy drink could possibly do: help me. I drink it up, and I can feel my stomach slightly shrinking with every tea-like sip. It was sugary and bubbly, but still not as satisfying as a Fanta.
When I’m leaving, an anomaly occurs: I feel a slight burp coming on. I haven’t belched in almost four days! If I keep this exercise, it might even boost my popularity or sex appeal with men and sea otters, which had been previously dwindling due to mouth gas.
Day 6: My friend lights up a cigarette with her coffee and I suddenly want one, even though I don’t smoke. This helps me to realize an important thing about diet sodas: it’s the cancer that’s addictive, not the taste. Later I get the carbonation craving again, so I walk into Wilko, 943 E. University Blvd, in search of those Envigas. What I find instead is an array of sparkling fruit juices, which look just as promising. I buy an “”Izze-Sparkling Grapefruit,”” for $1.69, and it actually tastes better than a soda! Afterwards I look on the back and discover that the bottle is 150 calories; more than a normal soft drink. Plus, it has 37 grams of carbs; 12 percent of my daily amount. Later that night, I go to a bar and drink a beer.
Day 7: I weigh myself, and behold I’ve lost no pounds. But I look slightly thinner in the mirror, and my imitation American Apparel tights from Walgreens fit a little better. The bubbles bloating my body had been given time to exit my system, and I feel a touch lighter.
Seems like this soda thing actually worked. Either that, or it’s just because I’ve been eating nothing but arugula and raw pinto beans for the last week, with self-induced vomiting in the afternoons to empty the system. Hey, whatever works!
