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The Daily Wildcat

The Daily Wildcat

 

Letters from Mallory Hawkins

It’s time to update your swagger. I have been at the UA for four years now and have been subjected to your tricks too many times. I may have been fooled once or twice, but after a while your antics become predictable and laughable. Make a man move and step your game up. This can easily be broken down to a simple three steps, so even the densest men can figure it out.

Step One: Get the attention of a girl. No, you may not have my phone number if you forgot yours. I’m not tired because I haven’t actually been running through your mind all day. Guys who use this trash can’t actually be serious about trying to get with a girl. Try using a pick-up line that makes you sound intelligent. Or better yet, skip the pick-up line and just ask me a question that doesn’t involve whether my father was a baker.

Additionally, I don’t know where men got the impression that girls like to be called by pet names. Nothing makes us feel more uncomfortable than a “”shawty,”” “”baby girl,”” or “”honey,”” when you’re trying to pick us up. Stop making up names for women and just ask for our real names. I tend to respond much better to Mallory anyway, and I am sure most women would agree.

On a final note, let me tell you an ineffective way to get girls to drop their panties —honking, shouting or whistling from your car. No girl in the history of the world has been turned on by this.

Step Two: Make it about her. Talking about yourself is not going to score any points. If you insist on talking about yourself, you better have a damn good story. Saying you are a member of a given fraternity or play a sport for the university is good enough for a groupie or jersey-chaser — but beyond that, any girl with class will need at least a little substance.

Other no-no’s to remember: an ineffective means of getting laid is the direct booty grab approach. A purposeful and unexpected booty grab just rubs me the wrong way, no pun intended. Furthermore, girls are not interested in feeling your “”please let that be a cell phone in your pocket”” against their back. So, please, refrain from approaching us on the dance floor and grinding into our backside. Could you be any more tacky?

I know that up to this point you have read and thought, “”Hey, I do all of this, but I don’t come off as this desperate or predictable. All of the honeys are into me.”” Chances are, you’re correct; all of the honeys with butterfly tramp stamps and STDs do respond well to you. That does not make you a ladies’ man; it just makes you similar to a garbage man, in that you both pick up trash.

I’ll try to give you the benefit of the doubt, though; maybe some of these things work for you. If so, you should feel blessed. I would also bet on the fact that you have some other redeeming quality(s) such as charm, charisma or a smokin’ hot bod. If nothing else, you have a jersey, helmet or guitar.

I do, however, have one more test for you. You may have mastered the smooth talk, but do you have the moves? As in most arenas in life, many can talk the talk, but only a few can actually walk the walk.

Step three: Hooking up. In terms of making out, there are a few things that a real ladies’ man would never consider, but I am positive the majority of UA guys do anyway. Nibbling or biting can be hot if executed correctly. Unfortunately, this translates to gnawing or chomping in too many cases. I like my lips, ears and other extremities, and intend on keeping them intact.

If you are going to try to feel me up during the process, you’d better know what you’re doing. A guy your age, ladies’ man or not, should know how to take off a bra. Stop fumbling and get it right. Mastering the hook and eye will open up a whole new world, or if nothing else, it will open some bras.

I would think this last one would be a given but one can never assume. So let me just say: The biggest way to soil your ladies’ man reputation is early ejaculation. Although the YouTube video popularized the phrase, jizzing in your pants is always a no-go. Trust me, nothing screams inexperienced and lame like asking for a napkin because our grinding led you to ejaculate. If you have this problem, handle your business once in the shower before you head out for the night.

At this point, I have mentioned something you are guilty of doing. Wonder how I know? No, it isn’t because we have hooked up before; don’t flatter yourself. I actually just know a girl who knows a girl who knows a girl who was drunk and mistakenly fell for your charm. Needless to say, when she woke up the next morning, she told every girl she could about your pathetic moves.

 

— Mallory Hawkins is

a communication senior. She can be

reached at letters@wildcat.arizona.edu.

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