The love affair between cars and stickers is an ugly and immoral union that I’d rather not even think about. And, yes, the fish on your bumper – with or without the word “”Darwin”” inside it – is also a disgrace. The most vile of all car adornments, and my gripe (of the year?), is when I have to see the cartooned Calvin taking a piss on something that the vehicle owner doesn’t care for. Sure, let’s pee on ASU. If you like Ford, totally drop some urine on Chevy. But why are you making Calvin carry out your hate? First of all, Bill Watterson, creator of “”Calvin and Hobbes,”” does not license his work for any products. These Calvins are bootlegs. Second, Calvin was a mischievous kid, but he would never have violated anything the way your car window makes it seem. Calvin was a philosopher, not a hooligan. Let’s stop smudging Calvin’s innocent name. Tear off your stickers and put up a picture of Dennis the Menace peeing on the Yankees. That kid was the real brat.

I faced a tough decision on Tuesday. At Solar Culture, Clap Your Hands Say Yeah was playing its first gig in Tucson. At Mesa Amphitheatre, the Strokes – whom I had yet to see – were playing with Eagles of Death Metal. I went with the Strokes, who had what I assume was the more expensive light show. While the set was dominated by crap from their new album, they did play “”Under Control”” and “”Reptilia”” – which meant the long drive home wasn’t too painful. And they brought more wattage into Mesa than Clap Your Hands could ever dream of.

The battle continues to rage in “”South Park”” v. Scientology. Last year, the Comedy Central show gave Scientology a similar treatment to Mormonism, which it lampooned a couple seasons back. Matt Stone and Trey Parker simply exposed how ridiculous the religion is with animated facts while also putting Tom Cruise in a closet with R. Kelly. Unfortunately, Isaac Hayes, who plays Chef on the show, is a scientologist. He quit, saying that Stone and Parker went too far. Apparently the constant ridiculing of Jews, homosexuals and gingers was not as insulting. To add to the drama, Cruise convinced Comedy Central to stop airing the episode in reruns. In response, Stone and Parker released a press release that started with, “”Scientology, you may have won this battle, but the million-year war for Earth has just begun!”” and ended with, “”Trey Parker and Matt Stone, servants of the dark lord Xenu.””

What is more spiritual than the Super Bowl? More exploitative than the “”American Idol”” rejection shows? More pathetic than “”Dancing With the Stars””? For $9.95, you can tune in to the pay-per-view sǸance to contact John Lennon on April 24. Psychics around the world will help try to contact the late Beatle. And what about George Harrison? Are we supposed to just hope he and Lennon are hanging out on the 24th?

Music is exploding from every corner of the Earth. At www.myspace.com/morrissey, you can preview the new Morrissey record. On www.nme.com, you can find the new Flaming Lips and Yeah Yeah Yeahs albums. And at http://music.aol.com, you can hear the entirety of the new Mates of State, Liars and 32 other albums. And it’s 100 percent legal, folks, so you can stop constantly looking over your shoulder.

Tired of seeing everyone on campus wearing the same Urban Outfitters T-shirt you discovered last week? Check out www.etsy.com, the eBay for handmade goods. From clothes to bags to doodads, there’s something for everyone on the site. There’s actually no bidding, so it’s really not that close to eBay, but it’s still a great site.

“”This little man count?””

said one of the members of Three 6 Mafia while taking an Oscar out of a brown paper bag at L.A. nightclub Lobby, after being told they could only bring four people into the crowded club.