If the campus was suddenly attacked by birds with laser eyes, would you take action?

No. I’d probably just go to class.

What if class is cancelled?

I’d just go to work.

All right. Well, there are circumstances to your choices. You see, you were going to be Tucson’s savior from the killer birds. But, because you haven’t taken any action, the laser eye disease has spread to every animal in Tucson. Now what are you going to do? Just stay at work?

No. I’d just see what the problem was. I’d try to define why there are lasers coming out of their eyes. And, uh, I don’t know what I would do.

OK. You can call one person, real or fictional, to come help you save the day. Who are you going to call?

I’d go with Davis Monthan Air Force Base if there are birds with laser eyes going around, I guess. I’d see what they could do about it.

What do you think an Airman would do about killer laser-eyed birds?

I don’t know. Maybe call the National Guard or something? I don’t know much about the Air Force.

Would they come with their fighter jets and shoot the killer birds to bits?

I don’t know. I guess. It’s kind of like that movie “”Mars Attacks.”” Yeah, I guess that’s what I would do.

Would you write a book about your experience with the killer birds?

I could write a book, I guess. I don’t know who would read it, if everyone was gone.

What would be the title of your book?

“”Birds Attack.””

— Katie Gault