Let’s talk drunken celebrities. Did you hear about the problems the Hasselhoff family had recently?

No I haven’t.

Apparently David Hasselhoff just got tanked and passed out or something and had to be admitted to a hospital. What are your thoughts on that?

Well, that kind of stuff happens to the best of us.

But I guess he’s had problems abusing alcohol, don’t you think he should have learned from his past troubles?

Uh, well sometimes you have to drink your sorrows away.

All right then. I guess his ex-wife got her second DUI of the year recently too, did you hear about that?

Uh, no I didn’t.

Apparently she blew a 0.14 on the breathalyzer.

That’s something to be proud of.

Really?

Yeah, I guess it runs in the family.

Well it wasn’t up to a 0.2, so I guess a 0.14 is enough?

Uh, well it’s a girl so I’ll give her 0.14. That’s pretty good.

OK. What kind of advice would you give them?

Uh, drink until you drop but it sounds like they’re already on that plan.

All right, and did you see what Ron Artest admitted to the other day?

Uh, no.

He said he used to drink Hennessy during halftime at some of his games.

That sounds about like him.

But just Hennessy, don’t you think he would drink some harder stuff?

Well I don’t know, it’s just mid-game.

Don’t you think he should listen to his coaches instead of trying to get hammered?

To each his own.

What advice would you give him because he’s always been kind of crazy?

Go back to the Rockets and keep playing hard. I’m a Rocket fan so.

But nothing in terms of taming his craziness?

No, just keep doing what he’s doing. He’s good on the court.

— Brian Kimball