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The Daily Wildcat

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The Daily Wildcat

The Daily Wildcat



    Monkey Madness

    New Dehli has a problem. The capital of India is being overrun by monkeys. Most of the time their attacks range from the occasional bite or snatching a snack from an unsuspecting tourist, but recently the animals have fired the first shot in the looming Man vs. Primate War and off’d New Dehli’s deputy mayor.

    The band of monkeys attacked the deputy mayor at his home this past weekend, knocking him off a terrace and killing him. The monkeys were allegedly driven from the downtown areas into the suburbs after the Defense Ministry trained larger langur monkeys to attack the smaller macaque monkeys responsible for the attack.

    Don’t say you weren’t warned 20 years from now when the Statue of Liberty is scorched, lying sideways on the beach where New York City used to be.

    Ape Escape

    Primates aren’t really taking over the world …are they? Documents released from Moscow show that in the 1920s, Joseph Stalin (here at the Wildcat we just call him “”Joe””) commissioned biologist Ilya Ivanov to create a race of half-man, half-ape soldiers called “”humanzees.”” Stalin requested, “”I want a new invincible human being, insensitive to pain, resistant and indifferent about the quality of food they eat.”” Unfortunately, the experiment fell through before Ivanov could artificially inseminate any of the human females with ape sperm.

    For his failure at the expense of the Motherland, Ivanov was sentenced to five years of exile in Kazakistan.

    Now, with cloning, we’re less than a decade away from a monkey army becoming a reality. Fear-mongers might overexaggerate the ethical problems and threat to our safety this might cause, but at least the beasts would behave better than Blackwater.

    Quote of the Week

    “” … Recently I was in a script read-through for the sixth (‘Harry Potter’) film, and they had Dumbledore saying a line to Harry early in the script saying, ‘I knew a girl once, whose hair … .’ I had to write a little note in the margin and slide it along to the scriptwriter: ‘Dumbledore’s gay!’ “”

    – J.K Rowling, creator of the “”Harry Potter”” series

    Random Review: MySpace Coders

    If you’re looking for any evidence that half-man, half-ape hybrids have already penetrated our society, look no further than “”programmers”” coding MySpace. A thousand monkeys hammering away at keyboards could make a better social networking site.

    I can’t go a day without hearing about somebody’s account getting hacked or logging on and seeing the site is “”down for maintenance.”” You would think after MySpace was bought-out by multi-billion-dollar News Corp. it would have hired programmers who knew what they were doing. Nope.

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