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The Daily Wildcat

The Daily Wildcat

 

Letters from Mallory Hawkins

Dear people in the library: Please stop talking. If you want to talk about what you did last night or what you plan to do this weekend, go back to your sorority house. If you are here by yourself, good for you and your self-discipline but stop taking up all the damn tables. You do not need a whole stinking table for your one backpack full of shit. Get a desk or get out.

Dear relationships: You suck. Why do you have to be so complicated? Is that a line from an Avril Lavigne song? If so, she speaks the truth. There is no reason to spend countless hours trying to figure you out. What happened to the days of checking “”yes”” or “”no””? I could surely use the simplicity.

Dear smokers on campus: You disgust me. You are all college students, so if there’s one thing you should have learned by now it is that smoking is bad. Secondhand smoke is worse, so stop forcing me to breathe it in as I walk behind you to get to my next class.

Dear black combat boots: Why are you making a comeback? Why were you ever considered fashionable in the first place? I think you’re terrible and you really do not flatter anyone’s legs. Go back to the military … or wherever you came from.

Dear UA: Why does it have to be so cold in every building, especially the library? Just because it’s warming up outside does not mean you need to compensate by jacking down the air to fifty degrees. Maybe we can save some energy, or at least decrease the university’s carbon footprint, by keeping the air at a temperature above freezing.

Dear carbs: Can you stop being so tasty? I would prefer if you tasted like seafood or plastic bottle vodka. Instead you taste like heaven on earth, and I can’t seem to get enough of you. No matter how hard I try, there’s always a box of mac and cheese tempting me, or cookies lurking in the pantry. Please stop tormenting me. I would like to look good in a bathing suit this summer.

Dear spring semester: Slow down a little bit. It is impossible to stop and smell the roses when there are papers to be written and only a week and a half left of classes. Perhaps we can squeeze in another spring break? Or at least a surprise holiday? I would do anything to put an end to these daily library dates. With weather like this, classes should be taught outside and previously assigned work should be replaced with one assignment — to soak up the sun.   

Dear inventor of high heels: I don’t know who you are, but I hate you. Because of you, I have to look like an idiot, stumbling around trying to look cute in shoes I can barely stand in, let alone walk in. I know, I know — the choice to wear them is mine, but flats aren’t on the same level of cuteness as heels. So alas, I must endure long nights of feigning confidence even though I know I look as awkward as a newborn giraffe learning to walk.

Dear classmates: I do not know why you find it necessary to sit on an end seat when you know that other people have to sit in the same aisle, but I find it quite rude and distracting. I understand that the aisle seat offers more freedom, but unless you’re big and tall, you don’t need the extra room. It is quite annoying when the professor is trying to start class and people walking in late have to squeeze past you in order to find a seat.

Dear laughter: I need more of you these days; can you come back into my life? I do not care if it is via YouTube videos of 5-year-olds proclaiming to put their career ahead of love, or if it is at my own expense. Either way, find your way back to me. My abs could use the workout and my heart could use the cheer.

— Mallory Hawkins is a communication senior. She can be reached at letters@wildcat.arizona.edu.

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