Statement to the good people of America: Just in case everyone forgot, Tom Cruise is very much a heterosexual.

He wants everyone to know that he enjoys the sex with the women, not the men.

Please do not let this slip from memory.

A devout Scientologist and an even more devout heterosexual, Mr. Cruise is very much convinced of his sexuality and wants everyone to know that.

While other people only quietly attest to being straight, Mr. Cruise is not the type to stand idly by.

He will say it loud and proud.

A full-page ad put for future publication in The New York Times is in the works attesting to this fact.

A future Web site, www.tomcruiseisveryverystraight.com, is getting its final touches, complete with flash animation and homemade videos.

As the years go by, Mr. Cruise has chosen increasingly hotter and younger women serving as a testament to his uncontrollable virility.

Katie’s only got a few more years left in her until he has to dump her for someone who isn’t closing in on 30.

However, let it be known that Mr. Cruise is also a generous and altruistic straight man.

Though he prefers hot chicks, he’ll tolerate eights and below because he loves the ladies and only the ladies. So much.

He will have sex with you if you ask, provided that you are a female and that you take with you a pamphlet about Scientology on the way out.

As he dislikes anyone thinking that his toast is buttered the other side up, that he plays for the other team, or that he’s going all Brokeback, Mr. Cruise will not hesitate to use his significant clout and mind powers derived from his Dianetics training to remind you that the woman is what he is attracted to.

Many a legal battle has been fought and won for this cause, both here and overseas.

The Los Angeles Superior Court rules that he is straight; why shouldn’t you?

The disbelief saddens Mr. Cruise, though he’s taking this all in stride with great, strong, quiet manly strength like screen star Rock Hudson.

Oh wait, bad example.

He would like you to know that “”South Park”” was just the beginning.

Mr. Cruise will not suffer any more of these suspicions even in bad animation, much less in other forms of communication.

Let Trey Parker and Matt Stone be examples for the lot of you. Furthermore, in an attempt to prevent further misrepresentations of his sexuality, Mr. Cruise is pushing for a bill in Congress that would allow him to wiretap phones across America. If the words “”gay”” and “”Tom Cruise”” show up in any conversation the guilty parties will be finding themselves with a one-way ticket to GuantÇÿnamo Bay.

He regrets that he has to resort to such harsh measures, but being straight is something Mr. Cruise is quite proud of.

Mr. Cruise would have written this letter to you by himself, but he is far too exhausted from nailing hot chicks all night long.