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Wahmburgers and French Cries: The sound you hear now is the collective moan of every college student upon reading the news that caffeinated alcoholic beverages, including blackout in a can Four Loko, have been declared unsafe by the Food and Drug Administration and can no longer be sold in their current forms. The other sound you hear is a nonchalant shrug from those who realize it is possible to mix caffeine and alcohol in far tastier fashion on your own.

Republican grins: Despite some resistance, Nancy Pelosi was named the Democrats’ House minority leader yesterday, maintaining her leadership role within the party. Republican John Boehner of Ohio was also unanimously elected as the new House majority leader. Of course the biggest development from this is that Republicans won’t have to change their campaign advertisements come 2012.

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People who take abstinence seriously: In the latest attempt to appeal to those hip youngsters who allow themselves to be unduly swayed by the oversaturation of sex in the media, everyone’s favorite unwed teenage mother Bristol Palin appeared in an anti-sex ad with Mike “”The Situation”” Sorrentino of “”Jersey Shore”” infamy. Now, the very idea of a man who is vain enough to call his abdominal muscles “”The Situation”” telling children they shouldn’t have uninhibited, emotionless sex is laughable enough, but the awkwardness of including Bristol Palin is what really makes the ad shine. In fact, the only thing more awkward would be if Bristol Palin’s mom were a staunch abstinence advocate. Wait …

Desperate Housewives: Eva Longoria has filed for divorce from NBA star Tony Parker, citing irreconcilable differences. Oh, Haiti is also facing a cholera epidemic and the Pentagon has apparently misplaced a fighter jet. Not that anyone cares, though.