In true collegiate fashion, this weekend I found myself in the middle of a stranger’s living room surrounded by 75 new friends under the influence of the classiest thing since Old English, Four Loko. Maybe since I had not indulged in this blackout in a can, I had a cognitive perception of my surroundings. There I was in a house opened up to strangers that lacked any resemblance to a home — no food in the fridge, no toilet paper on the roll and more furniture outside than inside.

Although the Martha Stewart in me was taken aback by these aesthetics, the college student in me realized these characteristics were not unique to this house; every random party I have attended in my four years of college was essentially at the same house in different locations. So for those of you that are already dreaming of living in the perfect party house next year, take note.

First things first: You can forget about living a life of luxury. A true party house forgoes the details and sticks to the basics. All you need is a couch for people to make out on, a beer bong table, quality speakers for bumping music (see annoying neighbors from last week), and a refrigerator to keep the booze cold. 

If you’re one for interior design, posters are the way to go. Anything having to do with drinking, cars, smoking or college is deemed appropriate. Also appropriate is the infamous poster of two chicks in granny panties making out. Everyone loves a hot lesbian.

There should be no indication that the house is lived in other than during parties. This means no dishes in the cupboard, no food in the fridge and nothing of any value on display. If you didn’t know, people steal shit when they’re drunk and unless you want your guests to leave with a party favor, I recommend hiding everything. As a friend of mine can attest, there’s nothing worse than realizing a leprechaun-sized party guest has stolen your beloved gold iPod.

Consider investing in some colored or fluorescent lights. You can choose to either replace your regular bulbs or supplement them with strands of Christmas lights. Either way, lighting is essential. When’s the last time you enjoyed a party when the lights were bright?

If you’re thinking your bank account dodged a bullet in the décor department, think again. The funds saved on furniture have to go toward alcohol. Loose girls and athletes aren’t going to flock to the party because they heard you had dope speakers. You have got to provide the booze.

Beggars won’t be choosers when it comes to parties; buy the cheapest stuff you can find. Everything, even plastic-bottled vodka, tastes good when it is free.

As you and I both know from experience, party houses are not meant to host intimate parties. So another aspect of having a party house is knowing hella heads. You better have at least 1,000 Facebook friends to invite or be willing to text everyone you know to text everyone they know. Who wants to be the guy that talks about the rager he is planning all week, only to have three people (including you and your brother) show up? No one. Just remember, the bigger the better.

Once you have set the scene, provided the alcohol and summoned the guests, you get to sit back — or stand up, seeing as you only have one couch and it is occupied by a couple getting it on — and enjoy. That is, until someone starts a rumor that the police are outside.

Trust me, without fail there will be at least three separate occasions in which the partygoers fear their night is going to end with a minor in possession. These police scares will be marked by underage girls crying because they don’t want to get caught, a number of drunk guys thinking that yelling “”shhh”” is going to help the situation and people hiding in the most peculiar places.

If and when the police show up, say a little prayer that you don’t get red-tagged and consider yourself a success if you don’t get evicted.

Let’s rage!

— Mallory Hawkins is a communication senior. She can be reached at letters@wildcat.arizona.edu.