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The Daily Wildcat

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The Daily Wildcat

The Daily Wildcat

 

    “If Stoops is fired, who’s next?”

    As frustrated fans discuss the possible firing of football head coach Mike Stoops, the Wildcat wanted to prepare for the future of Arizona football, just in case.

    Criteria? Arizona needs a coach that can keep Tucson in the spotlight beyond the team’s annual October downfall. Although it’s comforting to see Chase Budinger’s jump shot around Halloween, could you imagine vampires and naughty nurses in Arizona Stadium’s Zona Zoo section on the eve of a bowl-clinching victory?

    Arizona needs somebody who can call more than just screen passes and random timeouts throughout the game.

    Saturday’s game against Stanford may have essentially put the nail in the 2007 coffin. After browsing through Monster.com’s user profiles, I came across a few worthy candidates:

    Joe Torre, former MLB manager still not smiling

    Browse the classifieds no longer, Mr. Torre. It’s time to stop cashing those unemployment checks and ink a deal in Tucson.

    His four World Series rings, six pennants and 10 American League East division titles certainly speak for themselves. The hard-nosed, straight-faced former Yankees manager knows how to excel through the toughest of New York media ð- perfect preparation for Tucson’s news hounds.

    Build him a bench on the sidelines, keep the sunflower seed jar filled, find a mansion in the Catalina Foothills and Torre will be on his way.

    Charles Barkley, retired NBA Hall of Famer

    Despite employment with TNT, Sir Charles knows desert living quite well after spending four seasons up in Phoenix with the Suns. Another perk: his daughter, Christiana, is a freshman here – family discount, possibly?

    Additionally, the Tucson media would feast on the controversial and outspoken remarks from the 11-time NBA All-Star.

    When asked about his daily routine after retiring, the Hall of Famer said, “”This is my schedule: I wake up in the morning, decide where to play golf and drink beer all day. … I’m just what America needs – another unemployed black man.””

    Sounds like coaching won’t interfere with those needs.

    Scott Boras, MLB agent

    Speaking of family discounts – not any degree of financial supplement is necessary in this case – Boras also has a daughter here: Natalie, a psychology sophomore.

    As Major League Baseball’s “”super agent,”” responsible for contracts for the likes of Alex Rodriguez, Daisuke Matsuzaka and Carlos Beltrán, Boras brings a tough negotiation face to the board room – exactly what Arizona’s program needs.

    Imagine the consequences of being five minutes late to practice? He applies that much-needed cutting edge of accountability and discipline the Wildcats are thirsty for.

    Nicole Richie, somewhat of an actress

    After starring in six seasons of “”The Simple Life,”” Richie and Paris Hilton’s adventures were cancelled, leaving the former Wildcat dropout with nothing but a couple DUIs.

    On her reasons of not earning an Arizona diploma: “”I stopped because I went there for two years and I felt like I experienced college or whatever. I’m over it. I like Hollywood better.””

    With Homecoming looming, maybe Richie might open up to Tucson if she returns.

    That kid who hooks me up with extra fries at the Park Student Union

    She seems nice.

    Kenny Lofton, really old MLB player

    The Boston Red Sox sent the Cleveland Indians home on Sunday, putting the 40-year-old Lofton in a great position through Tucson’s eyes. The former Wildcat graduated in 1989 off a basketball scholarship, having led Arizona to the 1988 Final Four.

    With his speed, Lofton could double as the nation’s only player-coach in the Pac-10’s West Coast offense.

    Matt Leinart, NFL quarterback

    Take a trip down Interstate 10, young Matt. Although days of being big man on campus are over, you can still return to the Pac-10. The NFL just isn’t his thing. I heard the UA School of Dance is an excellent program.

    Frank from ‘Frank TV’

    He’s just a funny guy.

    Bryan Roy is a pre-journalism freshman. He can be reached at sports@wildcat.arizona.edu.

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