Note: Super Cool News is a Daily Wildcat feature that shares the, yes, coolest news happening around town and around the country. Try not to take what its writers have to say too literally.
Spring break has finally arrived and let’s be honest. It’s about damn time. Midterms will soon be over, except for those classes with teachers who wait until after the break to give the dreaded midterm, a wretched crime that most religious scholars agree should function as the eighth deadly sin.
For the rest of us though, spring break lets us relax, have fun and make complete and utter fools of ourselves. This is college, after all.
Popular break destinations in this vicinity include California and Mexico, but these two destinations are even more overrated than actress Meryl Streep.
None of us seem to realize that we have one of the most pristine and underrated spring break destinations right here in the gloriously awful town of Tucson, Arizona.
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Why would anyone in their right mind want to waste time and money traveling to San Diego or Cabo San Lucas when you can stay here and do something far more fun, like taking a pristine stroll down Speedway Boulevard and seeing how many Circle Ks you can pass in an hour.
Mexico may have beautiful sandy beaches, but you don’t need to go there to achieve this effect. You can make your own beach right here in Tucson. Just hop on down to your nearest Home Depot and buy as many huge bags of sand as you can. Then, find a pool whose typical occupants are out of town for break, pour the sand all over the deck surrounding the pool and walla! You have made yourself an original Tucson beach. You’re welcome. If you happen to feel really adventurous, stop by PetSmart and buy yourself some fish to swim with. This will help make the beach scene even more realistic, until the fish start to die from the chlorine, of course.
The bottom line is not to fret if you find yourself stuck in Tucson for #SPRINGBREAK2K17. Besides, everyone knows spring break is not really about where you go or what you do. It’s about where all the people you’re hopelessly trying to impress think you went and the things they think you did while there, according to your various social media platforms.
This is why it becomes very important to master the art of the fake Snapchat story prior to the beginning of break. Just hire some random strangers to act #TURNT and record it for your story. Then all you have to do is lie and tell your friends that you actually went somewhere cool at the last minute.
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They will then think you are the coolest, hardest-partying individual around and you did that without even leaving the Dirty T.
“I wasn’t able to go away this spring break, so I think I’m going to spend it drinking profusely and trying to make it seem like I am doing something cool,” one former UA student said. “My reputation as a hardcore partier and professional turn-upper is all that I really have to live for at this point, so I have to at least keep up appearances over the next week.”
The student wished to remain anonymous for obvious reasons.
These are only some of the myriad opportunities available to those who will find themselves stranded in Tucson this spring break. Just be creative and even you can have the time of your life without actually having any fun at all.
Happy spring break, Wildcats!
Follow Alec Kuehnle on Twitter.
