“”If you ask me, this looks like porn, baby girl,”” said Flavor Flav while holding up a naked picture of prospective girlfriend Toastee on VH1’s “”Flavor of Love II.”” She was promptly asked to leave while Flavor Flav poured champagne on the carpet for her departure. He looked particularly mournful, perhaps realizing that if she lied about participating in porn, she may have lied about being clean.

Tom Cruise finally apologized to Brooke Shields for scrutinizing her use of antidepressants to treat her post-partum depression. The heartfelt words, delivered in person at her home, may have been spurred by Cruise’s break-up with Paramount Pictures. Paramount claims that his aggressive support of Scientology diminished the sales of his movies. Maybe Cruise is starting to reflect upon his actions and think about his plans for the future – although he does have enough money to build his own Church of Scientology, so why bother?

Once again, the MTV Video Music Awards were uneventful and sucked. The only interesting thing that may have been missed while you were dozing off was the random kid who ran onstage during Panic! At the Disco’s acceptance speech and shouted that MTV didn’t give him his own show. The boring spectacle was evidence that celebrities aren’t as cool, funny or entertaining as their income would suggest.

The new Helio phone is apparently not to be branded with the derogatory term “”phone”” because it has Internet access. I learned this while watching a racist commercial where a young girl introduces her family to her Asian boyfriend. Her parents take turns making stereotypical remarks about the fact that the boy is Asian, while the grandfather remarks that the kid’s phone is nice. The humor is apparently supposed to be present when the girl doesn’t scold her parents for being racist, but she storms off when her grandfather calls the Helio a phone. Might I add that on the Helio promotional Web site, there is not a minority to be found, unless you choose to view the Web site in Chinese.

An episode of MTV2’s “”Where My Dogs At,”” starring two cartoon dogs that are lost on the mean streets of Hollywood, features everyone’s favorite emaciated hotties: Lindsay Lohan, Nicole Richie and Mischa Barton. Apparently Lindsay Lohan didn’t have enough puppy accessories to poop in her car, so she picked up the dogs on her way to the mall, where she will compulsively buy things to distract her from the fact that she’s been hungry for months. Watch the video at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Lvqdb3lSJI0, unless you want to be a fat hag until you’re 25 and die of heart failure.

Meg and Dia are two sisters rocking out in a similar fashion to Tegan and Sara. Although they’re not twins, their new CD Something Real makes it obvious that they have the potential to be the next moody queens of indie music. They performed at Warped Tour this past summer and they’re coming to Skrappy’s on Sept. 15. Don’t miss them and prepare yourself by listening to “”Monster”” at http://www.myspace.com/megdia.

“”No way!”” I exclaimed when I heard the news that the final “”Series of Unfortunate Events”” book was on its way to the printing press. Even though Lemony Snicket’s “”The End: Book the Thirteenth”” will not be released until Oct. 13, the book is ranked No. 2 on the Barnesandnoble.com top-seller list thanks to pre-orders. Yes, the age range is 9 to 12, it’s a simple read and it features a little girl whose claim to fame is the fact that she has sharp teeth, but none of those facts will keep me from devouring every word when I get my nimble fingers on its artificially serrated pages.