If those monthly declarations of affection and “”till death do us part”” anniversaries just won’t suffice to bear all that overflowing love, then by all means, create another holiday. But keep in mind Valentine’s Day is death. The three figures responsible for this ooey gooey day were all martyred.

And here’s one to hit home; it also marks the death of your bank account.

Go ahead and max out credit cards on overpriced teddy bears and boxes of chocolate that make your girlfriend ask, “”Did my ass get bigger?”” while you stand uncomfortably rocking back and forth, weighing whether replying too soon or too late would result in the worst of her wrath.

Buy him that $200 videogame system and lay it all down at the altar of your divine romance; it was a great two months anyhow. Your most expensive investment yet to date.

So here you are jammed like sardines in an overcrowded restaurant, intimate not only with your lover, but also cozying up to the couple on the right. The dinner arrives chilled, overpriced, and portion-shrunk, and her hair isn’t right – God forbid you compliment it. She suggested ever so slyly (for the past month) a new restaurant for the special day. And alas! All efforts wasted; here you are at the same place as last year, and there’s your ex-boyfriend with someone new. Are those tarts on the menu?

You decided to bestow your boyfriend with your grandfather’s watch, and he acts nonplussed. Never mind that it’s an heirloom! Never mind that it’s in time with your very heart! All he can presently think is that he hopes his disappointment doesn’t show and that Deborah’s lingerie seemed a much more suitable gift last year.

And so both parties, alienated and disillusioned with the sickeningly sweet hopes stuffed deep in their breast, relinquish expectations of a night joining as one to a stranglehold fight for dominance before abdicating their posts and tiring to opposite sides of the bed. If it’s a twin bed: good luck.

Whether a fairer or darker fate descends the single has yet to be decided. While it has not yet been proven that a spike in the suicide rate accompanies this joyous of holidays, it may go without saying that the sales of Ben & Jerry will skyrocket.

As for the single men, run to the hills! Do not go gentle! The last of the single ladies will barrage your doorstep and coerce you into a 24-hour servitude until the dawn brings in the 15th. Lock your doors and bear in mind: Valentine’s Day is death.