On the menu tonight we have a delicious roast relationship glazed in a you’re-meeting-the-parents sauce with a choice of awkward conversation or easy laughter on the side. Would you care for a glass of you’re-never-bringing-him-back-here-again, or perhaps the sweeter you’ve-picked-a-winner-son?

Yes, it’s that time of year: fires crackling, the sweet scent of pie and an evening of interrogation and scrutiny with a light shining in your eyes as you’re sized up by your significant other’s parents. Though no guarantee can be made in love or the kitchen, if you follow this recipe correctly, potential disaster could be avoided in exchange for a not-so-bad night.

2 Cups of Formalities
Like it or not, first impressions really do make a difference. Address them by Mr. and Mrs. – it’s better to be told to call them “”Bob and Martha”” than to be politely reminded it’s Mr. and Mrs. Robertson. Wear something your grandmother would appreciate, and shake hands firmly.

1 1/2 Sticks of Reservation
Don’t mention politics, sex or how much more moist last year’s turkey was, or by the end of the evening, they could consider you an ungrateful, reactionary nymphomaniac exploiting their baby. Stick to interesting, fluffy or objective subjects. Think before speaking.

5 Shakes of Make Your Momma Proud
No burping, slurping or slouching; napkin on your lap, elbows off the table and feet on the floor. The silverware is not as important as you think, but when in doubt, work your way in from the outside.

3/4 Cup of Smile and Nod
Actively listen. Ask questions and pretend you’re interested even if you’re not. They’ll love the attention and appreciate your effort. And smile!

A Couple Handfuls of Technicalities
Drop that phone! Stay away from the seductive finger dance striding across your keys and use your words to communicate with the people you’re supposed to be impressing. Leave the Bluetooth headset in the car, and when you’re pulling into the drive way, turn down the gangster beats so you don’t break the front window.