On Wednesday morning, the citizens of the U.S. awoke to a political landscape far removed from how it appeared just 24 hours earlier.
To some, it seemed neoconservative hands were finally wrenched off Lady Liberty, after wringing her throat with wires for tapping while robbing her at gunpoint with the handgun of fear and texting dirty lines stolen from cheap porn to little boys.
To others, this new landscape resembled a barren wasteland, bombed out by an out-of-touch liberal agenda to cut and run, tax and spend, and send dinner invitations for all terrorists and illegal immigrants at the first convening of the new Congress. Meanwhile, President Bush was forced to sacrifice his great warlord Donald Rumsfeld on the altar, as San Francisco liberal Nancy Pelosi laughed – no, cackled – drunk with power and Rumsfeld’s blood, with her fists clenched high in the air, thunder and lightning everywhere.
And no matter which view of the last two or three days you envision, you can bet that the leadership-devoid Democrats don’t have a plan beyond “”what now?”” But what about
The problem?Impeachment proves too easy, and the Democrats get their worst nightmare: President Dick Cheney.
this “”new direction for America”” they keep talking about? Six keys to a stronger, faster, more agile America.
Where is this new direction headed? Well, when I looked at the tea leaves I dropped into my toilet bowl yesterday, this is the future they foretold:
The Democrats start out modestly, implementing their first and most feasible plan: the increase in the minimum wage. And Bush, fresh from the political equivalent of being backhanded by an 800-pound gorilla, acquiesces. Phase one of the “”new direction for America”” has been achieved.
Emboldened by being let out of their cages after six years of futility, impotence and ineptitude, the Dems move on with their plans. Within months, a plan to lower the cost of college by making college costs tax deductible is implemented. Unfortunately, their first scandal erupts when it is revealed that Sen. Ted Kennedy had been claiming his illegitimate love child with Pelosi on his taxes for deductions. And so will end the era of good feelings and bipartisanship between the parties, as Bush and the Republicans begin pointing the corruption finger.
Now’s when things really start to get good. Red-faced in her humiliation from the public revelations of her indiscretions with Kennedy, Pelosi attempts to strike back; impeachment hearings are brought against the president for the Iraq war. The problem? Impeachment proves too easy, and the Democrats get their worst nightmare: President Dick Cheney.
Not knowing what they’re in for, “”new direction for America”” shifts gears. In an attempt to fulfill the promise of “”real security at home and overseas,”” the Democrats try to implement all of the recommendations of the 9/11 Commission Report. Well, this seems like a good idea until they reach a little-known passage that seems to have been written by Nostradamus, calling for the “”topple of the one with glasses, sparse hair and an affinity for shooting friends in the face.”” Mistaking this prophecy for their own President Cheney instead of the intended target, North Korean leader Kim Jong-Il, congressional Democrats attempt a coup on Cheney.
We all know you don’t mess with President Cheney. After foiling a sad attempt on his life by Greenpeace, Pelosi’s choice for the hit, Cheney orders martial law, dismantles the government and declares himself emperor for life. Then he goes after the real problems, the rest of the Axis of Evil. North Korea and Iran are obliterated, but so is everybody else, the unfortunate outcome of a nuclear holocaust. This was not supposed to be the “”new direction for America.””
Of course, this is all just conjecture. I suppose things could go in any direction from here.
For those who believe the world may be coming to an end with the election of the Democrats to Congress this week, fear not, I think there was more in that toilet bowl than tea leaves when I read the future.
For those who believe the country will suddenly become a grand utopia free of poverty and corruption after the removal of the Republican majority, think again. These are politicians, after all. The path of America may be shifting, but it has never changed in any direction in more than baby steps, and you don’t need tea leaves to figure that one out.
Shurid Sen is a senior majoring in political science. He can be reached at letters@wildcat.arizona.edu
