Tucson has a reputation for being a bit of a shady town, but in reality, it’s an incredibly shady town. Rather than devote your time in Tucson to a death-grip on dignity, a good student of the UA should embrace Tuscon’s seedier adult beverage establishments. Not to knock Gentle Ben’s, but is it any different than the average American college bar? You aren’t going to make any stories there worth telling your children. The following four bars are locally grown and all the better for it.
Get branded at The Meet Rack. Anytime you can get branded with the profile of a bar owner’s face, you have to, right? Right. Voyage to The Meet Rack and get God’s face burned into your flesh. The brand gets you drink discounts for life, but that isn’t the point. Victory is defined as making a bar smell like your own smoking flesh and enjoying a drink in the outdoor throne.
The Meet Rack
210 W. Drachman St.
Drink during The Buffet‘s happy minute. Twice a day, Tucson’s oldest bar celebrates happy minute, a tradition worth attending. At 6 p.m. you get a second helping of whatever you are drinking for free. At 11 p.m. you are charged $1. If you’re feeling like a champ, celebrate both in one day.
The Buffet
538 E. Ninth St.
Sit in the giant chair at The Bay Horse Tavern and sip Schnapps. The chair inside the destitute tavern is a colossal relic straight out of a Washington Irving story. Bask in its glory, while enjoying the large array of Schnapps. You’ll immediately feel like starting a revolution or holding a trial for witchcraft. That chair is America at its finest.
The Bay Horse Tavern
2802 E. Grant Rd.
Embrace your inner, drunken child at Home Plate Sports Pub’s batting cages. Ah, Tucson, the only city in America where a bar would also have batting cages. You can try to show off, swinging at the 60 mph fastballs, but it’s way more fun to get absolutely tanked and beat the hell out of the slow pitch setting. Practice your one-handed follow-through and the proper method of crotch adjusting.
Home Plate Sports Pub
4880 E. 22nd St.
—Zachary Smith
