Welcome, everybody. Is everyone here? You on the hover-Segway in the back, could you stop doing that?

I hope everyone made it here all right, especially those from different states. Ever since Arizona completely surrounded itself with a giant border fence in 2035, things have been a little bonkers for those out-of-state students. Seriously, let’s have a moment of silence for those who didn’t make it. Grand Marshall Joe’s floating tent city is a dreadful place.    

Enough sadness, though; welcome to the Universi-REC of Arizona, the world’s first university turned “”Learning”” Rec Center in America. It took a lot of funding and hard work, but we are all happy now, living in an enormous, 20-square-mile gym. Is anyone thirsty? Try the Eller Shakes — Adderall and Muscle Milk blended together, delicious!

Look over to my right — it’s the school mascot. Some of you alumni might be a little confused, but a few years ago we decided to go with a more literal approach to our school’s furry symbol. Everyone wave at Bear Down, the euthanized polar bear. He looks a little tired today.

Now we’re at Bear Down Gymnasium, which is a little embarrassing. I have to sing the fight song for everyone. Thank God for surgically implanted autotuning at birth, right? Here goes: (Singing) “”Baby, baby, baby, oh! Baby, baby, baby, Arizona!”” That song was penned by our 25th dean of students, Justin Bieber. You can find his face superimposed on the wildcat statue by the Cactus Jungle (death count: 153 students and rising) on the UA Mall.

And that concludes our tour. Feel free to check out other points of interest, like the School of Astrology, Chemistry, Physiology, Film, Media, Theater and Physics, merged together in 2011! You can find it nestled between that bench press machine and pile of protein powder.

All hail the All-Spark Cube! Everyone else: “”All Hail!””

— Johnny McKay is a media arts senior.