I am sure that by now you have had your first experience with the walk of shame. At the time, I bet you thought it was the most horrific thing to happen to you since “”The Hills”” was cancelled. But I would bet money that your first walk of shame will not be your last. Next time, you can pretend you’re on your way to church or on a nature jog, shoes in hand, but the fact of the matter is you’ll be on a stroll home from a drunken hook-up. So let’s bring a little bit of composure to your next walk.
As a Girl Scout, I am a firm believer in the need to always be prepared. In this situation, being prepared entails putting together a small survival kit. Think of the most embarrassing details of that first experience — mascara all over your face, monster breath and a bad case of bed head. These problems can easily be solved by packing a toothbrush (or gum at the very least), make-up removal wipes and a small comb. Just like that, you have ensured that tomorrow morning isn’t going to be a repeat of last week’s experience.
Walking down the street at 7 a.m. in a skimpy dress and heels is a dead giveaway that you were up to no good last night. If this is the image you would like to create for yourself, more power to you. If not, just remember: It’s better to walk gracefully barefoot than to stumble like a hot mess in heels. I would also recommend stealing a t-shirt and shorts from last night’s Romeo. He’ll miss the clothes more than he will miss you, so returning his clothes will give you your only opportunity for another rendezvous.
Before you leave, make sure you don’t forget anything. It could take you weeks to get it back. For all you know, last night’s mystery man has a collection of girls’ belongings and wants to add your sweater to the mix. Creepy, but a real possibility.
If you don’t have a friend to call for a ride, then let’s hope you at least have a friend to call as you stumble home. Trust me, any friend would be happy to receive an early-morning wakeup call to hear about your drunken-night-turned-embarrassing-morning. Plus, talking on the phone gives you something to do rather than shamelessly walk into the unknown alone.
In case you find yourself in a situation that is less than ideal (your phone is dead, you broke your heel, you have to stop and vomit every block), don’t panic. There’s hope, even for you. The situation sucks, but rather than pretending like you’re never going to drink again, just embrace the fact that this is a weekly occurrence. The only solution is to woman up and treat the walk of shame like a walk of honor. Unlike the people judging you, you just got some. That detail alone should change your attitude for the better, making the walk a moment of pride.
If you’re thinking that you have outsmarted the system by waiting for homeboy to wake up and give you a ride home, you are sorely mistaken. Let me assure you, the only thing worse than the walk of shame is lingering at some dude’s house. Overstaying your welcome is just plain tacky. I hate to break it to you, but he was never into you in the first place, and now that you are both sober, he is going to be really uninterested. Your best bet is to leave him to his Sunday morning football and skedaddle.
— Mallory Hawkins is a communication senior. She can be reached at letters@wildcat.arizona.edu.
