OK, first we’re going to play marry, bang, kill.

Yes! I love this game.

OK, marry, bang, kill: Jan Brewer, Joe Arpaio, John McCain.

OK. I would marry McCain because he’s loaded. He has a few houses, and all his kids are grown so I wouldn’t be forced to reproduce mini-McCains.  I don’t even think that’s biologically possible anymore. And he’s going to die. Hello, Cindy and I can go get facelifts and shop at Nordstrom’s. I would bang Jan Brewer, because I feel like if anyone needs a good bang right now, it’s Jan Brewer. She’s obviously stressed, making bad decisions. I feel like maybe Jan just needs a weekend bang sesh and then she could try again at this whole governor thing. And then, I’d take one for the team and kill Joe Arpaio. Even if I had to wear a pink jumpsuit in Tent City.

Same question. Regina George, Lady Gaga, and Britney circa “”Hit Me Baby One More Time.””

Oh my God! No! OK, I would marry Lady Gaga, because she’s my absolute hero and I gotta tie that shit down. And think of the joint closet. Think of the wedding dress! I would hook up with Britney because that’s when she was hot and pre C-sections and all that. And she just looks like a freak. Now she’s someone’s mom and that just freaks me out. And I guess I have to kill Regina George, but only because you made me.

How do you feel about clothes on dogs?

Hilarious. But also I just don’t feel like anyone should get to dictate anyone else’s fashion. So I just feel like unless your dog’s picking it out himself, you’re just projecting onto your dog. You’re like, “”My dog is so preppy, it’s so weird that he’s just like me!”” But really, you’re just projecting. I don’t recall your dog going into the store and being like, “”Do you have this in a medium?”” 

I enjoyed that. So you’re graduating. How are you feeling about that?

Um. I feel like I need a drink.

Best and worst choice in four years.

Tie for best choice: Going abroad was fabulous. Everyone tells you. I have all those cliché it-changed-my-life stories, because it totally did. And tie for living alone senior year. It was great. I’ve had the most fun senior year possible. I don’t know, not too many worst choices. 

What are your plans next?

My plans in the immediate future are to quietly steal money from my parents in Kansas, and then, after a brief stopover, I’m going to South Korea to teach English.

Very cool. Do you think you have to carry your papers there, or is that just in Arizona?

I don’t know, because I just feel like I couldn’t look more like I’m not from there, so I’m thinking I’ll get an American flag patch, very circa Nazis (gestures to arm), like loud and proud. But also, let’s be honest, if they ask me for my papers I’m not going to know what they’re saying. So I think if anyone talks to me I’ll just offer my papers. Or point to my blonde hair repeatedly. 

— Heather Price-Wright