Attention moms, dads, stepfathers, stepmothers, godfathers, daddy’s younger girlfriends with tacky purses and sarcastic remarks, illegitimate cousins, and creepy older men posing as parents.
If you’re actually attending Family Weekend, it’s probably because you figured it’s an easy way to make your kid think you care or that you’re sincerely worried because their telephone updates seem to indicate they’ve been eating nothing but Go 2 Cherry Cola and Tina’s Burritos for a month.
Either way, there are a few things you need to know. First off, you’re not just going to waltz in there without taking into consideration the fact that every single chair, muffin, drawer and water pipe in their room has been severely scrutinized to the point of excess. Anything questionable, anything controversial, has been trashed or sent to a friend’s so that nothing, almost nothing, gets through. In the rare event of a relapse, it’s almost always either in the trash can or on the computer’s memory list. If you want to snoop, these are your
only options.
But for the ultra-savvy parents, there are still a few signals you can pick up that will point to deviant behavior. You might not find anything that proves your kid is a miscreant, but there’s always guilt lying in the residue. Here are some common signs that the weekend has been parent-proofed.
If they have family photos up on the wall, this is definitely a sign of tampering. Most likely, your kids had nothing up on the wall before because they were too busy smoking pot all the time. Then they thought bare walls were a little suspicious and tried to counteract the problem. Either that, or all their posters were of Tila Tequila and porn stars, and they had to take them down. In addition, if their room is spotless, it means they smoke pot.
If all their clothes are clean and in the closet, it means they smoke. Nobody wants cigarette residue left over for their parents to smell. Other signs of smoking include constantly minty breath, incessant coughing but no runny nose or headache, tight jeans or robot sunglasses, increasingly better taste in music (but that’s not always the case), weight loss and a snotty attitude.
If you don’t meet any of their friends, they probably all look like Sid Vicious. Or some other gnarly, cracked-out version of a human being. Or maybe your kids are just scared they’re too nerdy for you, and you’ll judge them. No, that’s probably not it. They probably hang out with cokeheads.
If they tell you they’re getting good grades, it probably means they’re having a lot of sex. Either with the TAs or someone else high up on the spectrum who has lots of connections. Or maybe they’re just using sex to cool down after a long night of studying. Hey, whatever works.
If the history list on their computer is empty, it means they look at porn. These kids are obviously smarter than your run-of-the-mill jerkers and wankers, but it still doesn’t mean they can get by you. After reading this, you will know that a deleted history list signifies transgressions of the naughtiest kind. Likewise, if they don’t let you onto their computer at all, they’ll probably end up in jail next year.
But don’t worry. Your kid or husband’s kid or third cousin is probably just a little angel. Just as long as you shield them from the temptations lurking around every corner (by going to events like Family Weekend and sorority-sponsored kickball games), you’ll both be OK. Just keep this in mind; They’ll never be your little Barbie doll forever. Someday, they’ll grow up and turn into a Brat.
