Contrary to the claims of most, I won’t actually be fossilizing my limbs by cutting them off and burying them in topsoil so they can survive through the ages, enabling me to essentially live forever.
I wanted to quash the rumor because it’s been tarnishing my reputation as of late, and quite frankly, it’s for the most part untrue.
Most of the time, I plan to be sitting on my ass and inventing ridiculous situations that are neither funny nor clever. Like usual. But I also plan to do some other stuff too, and hopefully some of it might be interesting enough to read.
1. Sulking. As a Jew by birth, I approach every Christmas with veneration, but mostly loathing. This year, my boyfriend wants to put up a Christmas tree in the house and I’ve already devised a few plans to help it disappear.
First off, I read an article about these strange brain-eating amoebas that hide in the condensed water that collects on evergreens. Well I didn’t actually, but I’ll say I did. The only solution is to burn the trees and then splash holy water on them, then throw them in a dumpster. My second solution has to do with the presidential election, but it’s better not to reveal in print.
2. Seeing “”There Will Be Blood.”” The new Paul Thomas Anderson (“”Boogie Nights””) movie looks amazing! It stars Daniel Day-Lewis, who played Bill the Butcher in “”Gangs of New York,”” and features a score composed by Jonny Greenwood of Radiohead. It’s about a Texas oil tycoon who gets the oil rights to a family’s ranch and transforms the entire town. The movie comes out the day after Christmas, so it’ll give us all at least one thing to look forward to.
3. Listening to The Section Quartet. Continuing on with the Radiohead connections, I’ll also be looking forward to the group that produced “”Strung Out on OK Computer: The String Quartet Tribute to Radiohead”” as well as many other tributes to bands like The Smiths, Pink Floyd and more. Although they’re not playing until Jan.17 at Club Congress, I’ll be waiting in ecstasy.
4. Eating in the place where Chen’s Café used to be. It’s bound to be done by the end of December, hopefully. Until then, it remains shrouded in mystery. The only time I ate at Chen’s, the menu was in Chinese and the woman at the counter handed me some junk from the stagnant buffet line instead.
I think that area of University is cursed. Does anyone remember that harrowing Chicken Kitchen place that sold chicken as Asian, Mexican and American food that all tasted the same? Or what came before that? I seriously can’t remember, but it was also something that had to do with chicken. If that Café 940 place tanks like Bakerzin, we’ll officially know it’s because of ghosts.
5. Buying Adderall in Mexico. Does anyone know if they sell Adderall in Nogales? My friend let me try some for the first time the other day, and wow! I read the entire Desert Leaf magazine from front to back. And trust me, that’s a feat. And best of all, the pill also permitted me to spend four hours at Coffee X-Change without trying to stick a coffee stirrer down the barista’s throat.
6. Thinking of new column ideas for next year. I’m not sure if this thing’ll last more than a couple semesters, but I can only hope. What else am I gonna do with my life? Buy a puppy?
