Even though we have not formally met, I can say with certainty that I like few people less than I like you. In the past few weeks of the semester, and for the entirety of my college career, it has become clear to me that you are more like a young child than a 20-something young adult.

College, despite what you may think, is not an excuse for a 24/7 party. While I appreciate your willingness to have a good time, the techno music you insist on partying to is not welcome. The perpetual beat from your music is coincidentally the exact beat to which your neighbor would love to bang your head against a wall.

You’re not the first neighborhood party boy, but you’re certainly the worst of your kind. Unlike you, most party animals have the decency to invite their neighbors over for the festivities. At least have some courtesy and give your neighbors a warning if your party is going to get crazy and an invitation isn’t an option. Please take note or take caution — I wouldn’t put it past your now pissed off neighbors to find an open window into your apartment or house in order to break your speakers and end your festivities.

For those of you who have the gift of gab, it is neither my birthday nor Christmas, so please keep that gift to yourself. As your neighbor, I don’t even know what you look like, but unfortunately your obnoxiously loud voice is permanently echoing in my head. When you carry out your conversations on speakerphone, your neighbors can’t help but judge you. Being dumb is not a crime, but when you allow someone else to hear that you think your area code is 85719, there should be some type of punishment.

One may think he’s hit the jackpot moving in next door to what appears to be a polite, harmless geek, but he’d be wrong. Coming home from a night out only to hear what sounds like World War III happening next door because your neighbor decided to have all his nerd friends over to play Halo on a Friday is the definition of a nightmare.

Along the same lines is a note to the musically inspired gamers — you may have seen a million faces, but you’ve yet to rock any of them. Your attempt to perfect any of the songs on Rock Band is less than amusing, to say the least.

Getting a dog to pick up the honeys was a good call on your part, but you do not impress anyone in the complex by leaving dog poop scattered about. There are approximately 10 feet between my door and the last spot your dog defecated, which doesn’t leave much room for the smell to escape. Please claim your poop or get rid of the pup.

While you’re on your way to the dumpster, please take your trash. This is college, and there is no maid service to take out your garbage. The only thing that is going to result in leaving your trash out front of your door is neighbors upset by the cockroaches and mice it attracts.

I don’t know how long you’ve been driving, but you should look into learning how to park your car; it will prove to be a valuable lesson. You are lucky most college students don’t have the time to do anything but curse your car, otherwise you would have a collection of strongly worded notes telling you that your shit will be keyed the next time you decide to park like an a-hole.

Just once I would like to be able to leave my apartment feeling like Mr. Rogers with a beautiful day in the neighborhood ahead of me. So please be more considerate. My best friend once made the claim that children are to be seen and not heard; the same can be said for neighbors.

— Mallory Hawkins is a communication senior. She can be reached at letters@wildcat.arizona.edu.