Valentine’s Day. A day for lovers. A day for Hallmark cards. A day for melodramatic moments. Gross.

I hate all the hype. Back in grade school, Valentine’s Day meant a day full of decorated shoeboxes filled with “”Spongebob”” cards. Nowadays, I’m lucky to get a smile from the cute cashier at the grocery store while I buy my pre-made cookie dough — cookie dough that I’ll be eating alone while watching “”When Harry Met Sally”” and yelling at the TV, “”Why can’t you two just realize that you’re perfect for one another?””

Those are my Valentine’s Day plans — a night full of eating my feelings. That’s love.

So it pains me to see all these online blogs and magazine articles about “”How to Spice Up Your Valentine’s Day”” and “”How to Plan the Perfect Date.”” What about those of us who don’t have a date? What about those of us who will be spending Valentine’s night with our cats? What are we supposed to do?

I found a solution. And I took action.

Something Sweet Dessert Lounge, 5319 E. Speedway Blvd., Tucson’s only all-dessert restaurant, recently took a note from Adam Richman’s “”Man v. Food”” TV show and began The Sugar O.D. Challenge last month. The challenge: Eat four pieces of cheesecake, four “”Big A$$ Brownies,”” four scoops of ice cream and four cherries — a total of eight pounds — in 45 minutes.

Sounded good to me. Like I said, I’m used to eating my feelings. So I accepted the challenge. And guess what? It beat the crap out of me.

I started off strong, eating the cherries and placing the ice cream into a separate cup. My strategy was to let the ice cream melt into an easy-to-chug milkshake. My next strategy was to eat as fast as possible, disallowing my brain to catch up with the fullness of my stomach.

Turns out, though, that my brain is much faster than I originally thought. Hey, I’m no scientist.

Halfway through the delicious but gooey brownie, I started to feel the hurt. Then, a slice of cheesecake. Boom. The challenge had become World War III. Me v. Food. My stomach was not my ally. That first piece of cheesecake was a nuclear bomb on all of my hopes and dreams. It was an epic defeat.

I believe I made it through about an eighth of the full portion of food and with 15 minutes left before I vomited in the well-placed bucket on the seat next to me — sexy.

I have no regrets. The way I see it, I did this for a cause. I did it for you, lonely Wildcat readers. I ate so you wouldn’t have to.

When Valentine’s Day rolls around, forget about eating your feelings.

During this challenge, I stuffed my face with so much food, I ate my feelings and your feelings. Your loneliness is now my burden.

You’re welcome. Happy Valentine’s Day.