Hello there, people of Earth.

I feel that I need no introduction, but since I have the power of omnipotence, it’s really no galaxy off my back to mind-meld the entire secular population and properly present myself. I am called among you by many names — God, Allah, Buddha, the Cosmic Singularity and my personal favorite, the Flying Spaghetti Monster. Funny stuff, atheists. Usually I like to stay out of things and let mankind work its own problems out through free will and all, but I thought I’d pop in and direct an omnipresent and all-powerful “”WTF?”” your way.

What are all of you doing? I have created an idyllic location for you to inhabit, spoken with a few key members of the race to give out instructions, and even got rid of that pesky dinosaur problem. You’re all cut from the same basic “”in-my-image”” cloth (a handsome cloth, if you ask me), and knowing your penchant for aggression, I gave you weird furry things called animals to take your problems out on. Don’t ask me how you did it, I only put baseline inherent flaws into your souls, but you’ve really managed to muck up the entire process.

There are many misguided humans out there, but I’ll start with the Christian campus questioners first, because honest to Me, you are by far the most annoying. What are you doing with your life? College kids are apathetic and stubborn; do you really think that getting in their face about what they believe is going to change anything? Perhaps you should show the Christian values through community service and helping, I don’t know, (I always know) the poor and the sick? Frankly, I’m a little embarrassed that you’re trying to get people to subscribe about me in such an abrasive manner; it’s like having your blacked-out friend wingman you at a party. You’re not helping, bro, you’re hurting.

Let’s actually get a few big things out of the way now. Gays are fine, I really could care less about what you eat or don’t eat and I hate sports. Really hate sports. Please stop thanking me. I was watching AMC.

Another baffling trend, for many of you followers: I gave you fun toys like marijuana, alcohol and orgasms. If you get a present for Christmas (it’s actually on March 24, close though) don’t you want to celebrate it?

I personally feel a little offended — I put millennia of brainstorming into those particular three “”vices.”” The first draft of alcohol was a molecule that turned you inside out and made nearby animals explode. I saved that one for my other planet — Nerfth. I suppose in the spirit of full disclosure: I actually have 25 other planets I’m managing right now. Don’t feel played; you’re my favorite one. Well, top 5. Easily.

Another “”WTF”” toward the rioters in Afghanistan: You are all acting extremely immature. So an American idiot burned the Quran to get you riled up. Well, guess what. You just played into the hands of a man rocking a moustache that would embarrass the Unibomber. There are more Qurans out there — that’s why I invented trees. Well, that and the secret reason. You’ll find out about that in a year.

All of you are wrong anyway, except for the Scientologists. They’re pretty spot on. (Just kidding, I couldn’t help myself.)

My request should seem pretty clear. The 5 pillars of Islam include the pillar of Zakat, which is the obligatory giving of alms for the poor. Christians, this might sound familiar, especially if you were one of the kids who loved putting a dollar in the offering bowl. My Jewish followers? Rock that Tzedakah.

I have explicitly stated that I want all of you to help each other out, how on Nerfth did you get to the point where you’re hating on gay people and committing crimes in my various names? All of your arbitrary nonsense and numerical rituals are full of it — I’m not an OCD-afflicted super being who needs 300 somersaults performed on March 5 to make me content. I just ask that you all keep to yourself, help out each other and really … just calm down. Don’t make me come down there again.

— Johnny McKay is the multimedia editor for the Daily Wildcat. He can be reached at letters@wildcat.arizona.edu.