Thank Allah the War on Terror is over!

Let’s toss back some Osama head shots (one-half ounce Baileys, one-half ounce Kahlua, whipped cream for the turban and a dot of grenadine for the bullet hole) and play that patriotic music real loud! Insurgents, that uncomfortable rectal pain you’re feeling is just a size 12 cowboy boot, courtesy of the gawddamn red, white and blue.

We did it together, us Americans, and it’s time to celebrate like we just won the World Cup. (Bad example. Like our team won the World Series.) Dust off the “”Mission Accomplished”” banner from the White House storage closet; we need to get Obama to the nearest aircraft carrier as soon as possible.

Or we can treat Osama bin Laden’s death like the civilized country we frequently claim to be.

There is no question that this is a major get for the U.S., and more importantly, the peaceful world in general. Bin Laden stood for more than just the war on Western culture; he was a symbol of hatred and radical violence throughout the world. He was the mastermind of one of the worst man-made tragedies of the century and an inspiring figure for the most maniacal and violent terrorists around the globe. He was undeniably a monster. His death is a huge blow to Al-Qaeda, and a great step forward in the ongoing War on Terror. However, even with this immense victory under our belt, we have somehow managed to be sore winners about it.

With bin Laden dead, this would be a great time to memorialize the people killed in the Sept. 11 attacks, as well as the many soldiers killed or wounded in the Afghanistan conflict. It would be a perfect time to reflect on the many American lives tragically lost in the war against this radical individual.

A collective “”finally”” can be breathed by the kin of these brave women and men, and while the death of the murderer will still never bring closure, it is a small step towards recovery. We have spent many years, countless dollars and most invaluably, the lives of true patriots trying to find bin Laden. Now that the mission is over, exasperated relief mixed with appreciation for a job well done should be the norm.  

Instead, many self-professed patriots are going to be puking their brains out while “”Team America”” plays on repeat for the 21st time. I’m sure the troops still stationed overseas would be thrilled.  

It’s not surprising. We don’t do well in the limelight of secular appreciation. Any good will toward us will once again evaporate as we decide to take to the streets like jihadist hooligans, exact mirror images of the radicals across the globe that we use as examples for criticism. To put it in screenplay form:

World (somberly): Thank you for using your considerable resources and military clout to rid this planet of such a hateful and violent indiv-

U.S.: America! Hell yeah!

World: OK, well … Good luck with that hangover.

And what a hangover it’s going to be. Even as soon as Obama uttered the words of assassination affirmation, self expression venues like Twitter and Facebook lit up with “”Hell yes America”” and “”Rot in Hell Osama””s. That was just the beginning. Parties sprang up across campuses and landmarks all over the country. People stormed Ground Zero, turning what has been a solemn tribute to the victims of the tragedy into the most misguided flash mob debacle of the century. How many families of those who died there do you think were cheering on that hallowed ground?

Right now there are Facebook groups popping up that plan to capitalize on the event as an excuse to drink. You’ve missed the point by about 20 shots and beer bong. When you propose cheers with Gran Legacy vodka (at least have the decency to get some American whiskey) are you going to be cheering to the memory of those who died because of Osama, or to the troops still stationed overseas? My bet is on another round of “”Eff yeah, America,”” chased with a “”Yeehaw.”” Add some flaming effigies and there’s no difference between us and the Middle East — remember that, in their eyes, George W. Bush was a mass murderer as well.

It’ll be easy to dismiss this as another rant by a liberal-leaning columnist, but I think everyone celebrating right now should look deep and really ask what it means to be American.

You’ll find that there are far better ways to celebrate the death of this terrorist mastermind. Instead of glorifying his death and his life with extremist parties across the country, channel that energy into a celebration that makes sense. Besides, all of this partying is moot anyway — Donald Trump still hasn’t seen Osama’s long form death certificate.

— Johnny McKay is the multimedia editor for the Daily Wildcat. He can be reached at letters@wildcat.arizona.edu.