I’ve seen some spineless, idiotic moves in my time, but Phi Kappa Psi takes the cake.

Sick of hearing about this story? Well I’m sick of these cowards and thieves, period.

Not only does this frat’s execution of the theft of 10,000 Daily Wildcat newspapers sound like something out of the Big Lebowski (“”Is this your homework, Larry?””). Their actions afterward are damning to the point of ridicule.

Let’s run through the stupidity, shall we?

First, Nick Kovaleski and Alex Cornell leave their homework at the dump site. Where’s the Spanish teacher in all of this? Then Phi Psi leadership—that’s you, Keith Peters and Daniel Levy—come to the Wildcat offices wanting our evidence, and then slink out like the rats you are when we ask you to go on the record. Minutes after you left the offices, you placed a call to the University of Arizona Police Department claiming someone who looked like they might work for the Daily Wildcat was found dumpster diving at your house the previous night. That guy, you claim, is actually our 60-year-old production manager who found the homework.

No one’s buying this crap.

A fraternity worth a damn would have raised holy hell after the Police Beat item went out, shouting its innocence from the hilltops. But you didn’t shout your innocence, did you, Phi Psi? Instead, you snuck into your cars in the wee hours of the morning and decided to hide the information at the source—by stealing thousands of the very newspaper that printed an item where a woman claimed you might have drugged her.

If anything, Phi Kappa Psi made things worse for themselves. What would have been a forgettable Police Beat item has turned into a firestorm picked up by news outlets local and national.

Well, Phi Psi, you got off scot-free. All of the legal and judicial avenues have been exhausted. Only one thing left for you to do—grow some balls and confess already.

Let’s call a spade a spade. You stole our newspapers. I don’t even want the $8,500 back. I just want your names and faces forever associated with censorship and idiocy.

I mean, what’s the worst that can happen out of you confessing? UAPD obviously wouldn’t pick the case back up—we’ve seen how much of a joke police force they are. You’ve already skated by your friends on the farce Greek Standards Board. You’re not going to be held legally responsible by anyone, but you would be showing for once that you have some testicles.

Nick and Alex, it’s a different story for you guys. The Dean of Students is looking into you two as individuals. Not to mention, your president tried to throw you under the bus during the Greek Board hearing by making the case that a few individuals (you two) could have gone rogue and stolen the papers by yourselves. Ask your president to pull the knives out of your backs when you turn around.

Speaking of throwing people under the bus, Keith Peters owes an apology to the student government and former UA soccer head coach Dan Tobias. During Nov. 4’s Greek Standards Board hearing, the Phi Psi president suggested the possibility that Tobias stole the newspapers because of an article that criticized the soccer coach. (Note: No such article appeared in the Oct. 8 issue of the Daily Wildcat.)

Peters also suggested that perhaps the Associated Students of the University of Arizona stole the newspapers because of the appearance of an article chronicling how ASUA was teaming up with UAPresents for the upcoming Fray concert.

But the most hilarious and ridiculous of Keith Peters’ explanations was that perhaps the Oct. 8 issue was just that popular. Maybe, just maybe—the Phi Psi president argued—students eager for their campus news had just picked the newspapers up the legal way by 9 a.m.

Peters, though, failed to explain how thousands of those popular papers could have then magically appeared miles away out on West Anklam Road along with the homework of Kovaleski and Cornell.

You can’t make this stuff up.

If Phi Kappa Psi wants to sue the Daily Wildcat for libel, I’d like to see them try. I doubt many know the true definition, but I’m sure the fraternity would have fun trying to prove they didn’t, in fact, steal the newspapers.

Phi Psi, your cowardice has gone on long enough. It’s time to just bite the bullet, do the halfway honorable thing and confess.

So there it is, Keith. See what it’s like to not be a coward? I have the balls to call you out. We’ll see if you have the balls to confess. Let’s just find a nice place to meet and talk about this.

Who knows? I might even take you up on your offer to go out to Gentle Ben’s.

— Shain Bergan is the managing editor. He can be reached at maned@wildcat.arizona.edu