Responding to fears surrounding the “”Everybody Gets a Pony”” stimulus package – which appears to have its origins in John Maynard Keynes’ experimentation with methamphetamines – President Barack Obama recently reassured Americans that the law would stay pure: he made Vice President Joe Biden and Inspector General Earl Devaney responsible for overseeing stimulus spending, ensuring the “”efficient and effective”” distribution of our money.

So rest easy, boys and girls: a trillion or so of your dollars are going to be watched over by two people who already have jobs, along with Devaney’s Transparency and Review Board that will sort of look for government agencies that aren’t designed to work well and whack them over the head with a mallet. Only Obama, the perpetual campaigner, would make unprecedented government empowerment look like a mere hobby for the administration’s Biden-Devaney tag-team. Short of this, the bulging earmark infestation of the stimulus and the omnipork spending bill in its wake, and the urgent need to rush a stimulus into signing that won’t fully kick in for years, the Democratic Congress is surely achieving the “”new higher standard of accountability, transparency and oversight”” our President promised.

At least we can find solace in the notion that the Democratic Party would never, ever abuse the Depression – I mean, the financial crisis – to stimulate its own power and strengthen our dependence on its omniscient redistribution of our money. It’s a good thing spring break is right around the corner, because you’ll have to be hammered to truly enjoy Democrats Gone Wild.

– Daniel Greenberg is a political science junior.